We need an Irish Mammy in the Dáil

WHEN it comes to economics, the problem with the Keyneses and the Stiglitzes of this world is their science is inexact and can be too abstract for many to understand. Any economy that obeys the simple laws of Mammynomics will be sound no matter what happens.

Fiscal prudence: Mind your money, for goodness’ sake.

Emphasis on quality: There’s no point in buying one of them cheap yokes. You’ll pay more in the end.

Efficient utilisation of existing resources: What’s wrong with the one you have? Every light on in the house and it the height of summer and OF COURSE the charger was plugged in.

Energy independence: Don’t be wasting petrol.

Robust bargaining in international treaties: How MUCH?!

Limited targeted subsidies for SMEs: To tell you the truth, I went in just to give him the bit of business. Shur he’s very quiet in there, the poor divil.

Strategic investment: Whatever you do, don’t be arriving in there with one arm as long as the other.

The current crop of elected representatives cannot be relied upon to enforce the new ideology, which leads us to the inevitable conclusion: politics itself has to change.

A government of Mammies is needed. The first stage in the business of governing would be the choice for Taoiseach, or Chairmammy, as the role would be called.

In conventional politics, plum jobs are often snaffled by those with overweening ambition. The selection of the Irish Mammy Taoiseach would consist of a long process of the Path of Least Reluctance: ‘You’ll do it, will you, Pat?’

‘Oh indeed, I will not. I’ve enough to be doing. Do you know who would make a great Taoiseach? Gráinne Scally.’

‘OH STOP, WOULD YOU. HAHA! Imagine me now meeting the Queen in my oul duds. The very thought of it. Niamh Morley now, she’s your girl. Fine and presentable.’

‘NOW YOU’RE TALKING. Go on, Niamh. You’re the woman for the job alright.’

‘Oh. I don’t know. I ...’

‘And weren’t you on Nationwide that time about the Tidy Towns? Talking away to Mary Kennedy like ye were great pals.’

‘I suppose I was ...’

‘There you go now. I remember saying to Himself at the time, ‘She’s a smart one that Niamh Morley.”’

‘Well, if no one else wants it ...’

Once installed, the Chairmammy would have to assemble her cabinet. An Irish Mammy government presents an opportunity for true political reform. All home affairs would be run by The Committee — a formidable cadre of women drawn from ICA, the Tidy Towns Committees and one or two who regularly do the Operation Transformation. Within this group would be a Minister for Spins, a Minister for Minding Yourself and a Minister for There’s A Lot Worse Off Than Us.

The Mammy with the brief for International Relations would target as many world leaders as possible and work out whether they have relatives in Ireland.

Finally, one minister is needed to take charge of all of Ireland’s negotiations — the Minister For Talk. Only she has what it takes to join battle with our most implacable European Mammy-figure: Angela Merkel. (over the phone) ‘Hello? Is that Angela? This is Mammy.’

‘Hello, Mammi. I thought it may be you.’

‘C’meretomeIwanttotalktoyou. This bank capitalisation thing, Angela.’

‘Yes, Mammi, I’m listening.’

‘Well, we can’t pay it. By the end of the month we haven’t a bob — maybe a bit for ice-cream — so I says to myself, “I’ll ring Angela now and let her know the story.”’

‘Mammi, you have to pay – it was an agreement.’ ‘Well, I’m telling you, ould stock, we can’t.’

‘But, Mammi—’

‘Listen, Angela, I’d better go now. Coronation Street is starting. I’ll talk to you again. Bye bye. B-B-B-Bye.’

And if that doesn’t work, there’s always the face-to-face approach, followed by distraction: ‘You’ll have tea, Angela, will you? Ah, you will. You’re over here for the negotiations on the bank debt, are you? Milk and sugar? It’s an awful state of affairs. I don’t blame you for getting annoyed with that Anglo crowd. I was mortified when I heard the tapes.

And they singing the national anthem. Wouldn’t you love to wring their necks? And a bun? Ah you will? And you’ll let the ESM take on the Banking Recapitalisation? Shur you might as well. Ah you will. Sugar? No you don’t strike me as a woman who takes sugar. And you’re happy enough with the corporation tax rate?

Biscuit?’