Yes, boss: office relationships examined
You’ve started to joke and linger in each others company and there’s a growing chemistry. The only trouble is he’s your boss. It’s a scenario that could happen anywhere.
Recently, it happened to Google co-founder Sergey Brin, who has ended his marriage to Anne Wojcicki, with whom he had two children, and started a new relationship with 27-year-old employee Amanda Rosenberg.
Younger and more junior than Brin, the talk is all about the potential damage such a relationship could have, particularly on her future career.
Though Google is revolutionising the way we communicate, what’s going on at HQ is more akin to what we see in the hit TV show Mad Men. But we don’t need to watch the antics of Don Draper to know that having a relationship with your boss is not considered to be a wise career move, especially if that boss happens to be married.
Regardless, there’s a string of real life examples where the whiff of passion was stronger than well-argued logic. Just ask Twilight star Kristen Stewart, who was vilified by fans when she had an affair with married film director Rupert Sanders, both pictured below. Or nanny Maresa Morgan who was widely blamed for having a relationship with her employer Chris de Burgh. Or Francine Cornell, the dancer who was the subject of sensational headlines when she had an affair with Ronan Keating.
There’s also the example of Julie Lynch, a senior member of staff at the Irish National Stud, who had an affair with chairman John Clark. Two years later, this resulted in a court case for bullying and harassment and in Julie leaving her job.
On a less headline-grabbing note, I could add my own personal story. Twelve years ago, I embarked on a relationship with my then boss who was going through a messy breakup with his wife. Countless emotional upheavals and several career changes later, we are still together but it’s been quite the journey.
Deep down, we must all — Amanda, Kristen, Maresa, Francine, Julie and I — have known that it wasn’t smart to mix work and personal relationships. But sexual attraction proved too strong to resist and we have had to live with the consequences.
With more of us working longer hours than ever and socialising with colleagues afterwards, there’s even more chance of inter-office romance. In 2010, the US-based Centre for Work Life Policy found that 15% of women admitted to sleeping with their boss. So, what are the pitfalls we should be aware of for our careers and our romantic relationships if we do find ourselves falling for our bosses?
Tom Smyth of Tom Smyth & Associates HR Consultants has seen many inter-office relationships. “Generally, it’s between people who are on the same level in a company and that’s easier to deal with,” he says. “This relationship at Google is a red-light situation as one of the people involved is junior to the other. This could lead to charges of discrimination, victimisation and bias in the future.”
Bias can cause the most problems. Work colleagues often feel the new partner receives preferential treatment.
“Perceived bias is all that’s needed,” says Smyth. “There doesn’t need to be much evidence for morale to be affected. Eyebrows will be raised and the relationship will affect the other employees.”
To avoid this, Smyth recommends that all companies have an explicit policy on office relationships from the very beginning. “You can’t ban relationships because they will happen anyway and companies can’t impinge on their employee’s private lives to that extent,” he says.
“If you wait until a situation arises, the people in question will feel you are discriminating against them. But if you have ground rules in place, everyone knows where they stand and you can plan the best way forward for your employees and the company.”
He advises companies to insist on full disclosure. “The HR department, manager or boss should be informed about new relationships,” he says.
“All parties should meet and discuss things. They may need to organise an alternative work arrangement or a change of role. Whatever happens, one person should not be responsible for the work of the other.”
Amanda may find that this becomes an issue for her in the months to come but it’s not beyond the brains at Google to come up with a solution. The solution I found was to change employment after our relationship began. I was young and found working closely together while developing an intense romantic relationship to be more than I could take.
It’s this emotional impact that most interests Bernadette Ryan, a relationships counsellor with Relationships Ireland. “Relationships between junior and senior work colleagues are likely to set up an imbalance of power from the beginning,” she says. “Sergey’s wife will be the last person he will have a relationship with before he became Mr Google — a mega-powerful person. This is bound to have an impact on the people he meets and attracts. It doesn’t mean the relationship doesn’t stand a chance. It just faces more challenges.”
She cites Catherine Zeta Jones and Michael Douglas as an example. “Theirs was a relationship between someone senior and junior but the balance of power is shifting now and the relationship appears to be dissolving as a result. Relationships move and grow but a power imbalance makes things much more difficult.”
Ryan urges people to think carefully before embarking on such relationships. “In general, I don’t think it’s a good idea,” she says. “There can be all sorts of confused emotions and motives. Young people can mistake friendship and a close working relationship for something more and older people can be flattered by the attention. There can even be an abuse of power involved.”
She especially warns against affairs. “Where are you in the workplace if the affair is discovered,” she asks. “What will happen to the person’s partner and their children? You’ll have to deal with the fallout of all that.”
Young females tend to suffer most in these situations, according to Ryan. “We’re still a patriarchal society and a young female can come in for a lot of stick,” she says.
“Look what happened to Monica Lewinsky when her affair with Bill Clinton was revealed. She was pushed aside and forgotten and he survived.”
Our resident sex columnist Suzi Godson agrees. “For most women, having an affair with the boss is a terrible idea because if and when the affair ends, the more junior partner is always at a disadvantage,” she says. “The smart thing to do is to avoid having a relationship with the person who has the power to fire you.”
The damage caused when a relationship fails can be immense. “Relationships cause a lot of pain and grief when they end and this can be compounded if you work together,” says Ryan.
“Some people have had to leave their jobs as a result and with this recession, it’s not easy to give up a job and find a new one.”
Ryan’s main advice is to be open about the relationship with everyone. “If you have to keep it secret, it’s a problem,” she says. “Ask yourself why it has to be secret. That’s one thing Sergey is doing right. He’s being open about the relationship from the beginning.”
Everybody is human, including Sergey and Amanda. Despite our best intentions, some of us — including the very young and naïve me — will end up falling for our bosses. To ensure that these relationships don’t damage our careers or cause us too much emotional confusion, we must tread carefully and make sure it’s all worth it.
“You could end up going through a lot of pain and hurt if you get involved in a relationship like this but we can’t always avoid that in life either,” advises Bernadette Ryan. “Just be careful out there!”
As for me, my main issue was with establishing my own sense of power and authority within the relationship, but after 12 years of honest communication as a couple and developing in confidence as an individual, I’m older, wiser and still very much in love.
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