Being sexually textsplicit

SEXTING is trouble — the tabloids are full of stories of the heartbreak caused by scrolling through a partner’s phone.

Yet some of us can’t resist the temptation.

US politician Anthony Weiner resigned from Congress in 2011, following revelations about his explicit photographs and messages to a number of women.

Last May, Weiner launched his re-entry to politics, by running for mayor of New York City, his wife at his side — but, in July, he admitted sending additional explicit photos and texts to a woman he met online.

The model and actress, Kelly Brook, reportedly dumped her rugby-player boyfriend, Danny Cipriani, after discovering saucy messages and pictures on his phone, while pop star Ronan Keating’s marriage broke down after his wife found explicit messages on his secret phone.

Sexting is not harmless fun, says author and relationships expert, Tracey Cox — it can damage a relationship.

A male partner might just think it’s all a bit innocent, but it’s a betrayal — yet if he found a picture of a guy’s penis on his girlfriend’s phone, how would he feel, asks Cox.

Sexting a third party, while in a relationship, shows a lack of intelligence and foresight, she says.

“You’re, basically, sending evidence that you’ve thought about being unfaithful to your partner — and what idiot does that?”

Plenty of people do.

Relationship counsellor, Mary Kenny, says increasing numbers of couples are presenting with issues around the use of social media. Sexting is discussed in therapy sessions.

“It’s an issue of trust. If you are having any kind of intimate relationship, or one suggestive of sexual content, it’s going to be a threat to your main relationship,” Kenny says.

The chances of being caught are high, says internet consultant, Damien Mulley. “You could class sexting as a form of foreplay, but one in which you are making a digital record, which can be forwarded, and you can be ruined as a result. It’s highly risky, it’s almost like taking polaroids of yourself and leaving them at a bus stop.”

Once you sext, you’re at the mercy of the forward button, Mulley says. “A person could pass stuff on to friends, who will also happily pass it on. Also, if the phone gets stolen, people will find images very easily. And what if there’s a bitter break up — what happens then?

“Suppose your account got hacked and someone posted your intimate photographs and messages on Facebook? There are all these risks,” Mulley says.

If you sext, he says, use Snapchat, a phone app in which messages self-destruct in seconds.

“A lot of people are sending messages on this and there’s no record of it,” he says. “Snapchat is popular with sexters because it promises to wipe material from its servers.” (Though your friend can take a screen shot.)

Sending texts across the phone or online networks is risky.

“You don’t know where your messages are, or even if they’re being stored. You’re, basically, throwing stuff into the air — you’d want to be very careful about sending material from one phone network to another, as most apps will store information and you don’t know for how long,” Mulley says.

And, hypothetically at least, a third party could access your material.

If you want to be safe, think about the security of your sext in Mission Impossible terms — maybe it’s time, says Mulley, to go back to anonymous, paper notes.

Single people, and those in relationships, can thoughtlessly send flirty texts to people they don’t know — and that can have serious repercussions.

Psychotherapist Anne Colgan says we should be wary of sexting, because of the glaring lack of confidentiality.

Before you sext, she says, imagine that your material will have an audience of about 100 people.

The question, she says, is why are you being intimate in public, when you have no control over who sees the potentially embarrassing material you’re sending?

Traditional, face-to-face flirting can be over in seconds, but sexting stays on the phone, and, chances are, it will come back to haunt you.

“What seems to be innocent fun can be seen by your partner as a complete betrayal. People leave their phones around. Sexting is a highly risky business,” says Colgan.

“Even if you’re texting your own partner, someone else can pick it up and know something about you that you don’t want broadcast.

“All sexting may not be bad, but the danger is that someone else may get their hands on it. Then, it grows legs and it can be shared around. I think you’re better off not doing it and keeping your intimacy face-to-face.

“It’s still so new that the danger it can do has never been properly considered,” says Colgan.

Still, sexting can be positive.

“If you’re sexting your partner, whom you have been with for some years, it is a fantastic way to spice things up,” says Cox.

“If you have a couple who are monogamous and courting each other, it is just another tool to keep things fresh and spicy. “Things like sexting are very good for creating anticipatory sex for couples who are in long-term and committed relationships.”

It can also work when both parties are single, and feeling flirty, says Kenny.

And, while this may seem inexplicable, sexting can reassure somebody that they’re attractive — perhaps they’re not getting positive vibes from a partner, says Cox.

For others, sexting can also provide the feeling of being in a relationship without the emotional or practical costs.

“You don’t have to go out and talk to someone or get to know them.

“It is often people who are emotionally repressed who will use sexting as a way of avoiding the emotional side, protecting [themselves] against having to invest in other people,” says Kenny.

Heavy sexting in a fledgling relationship, however, can be a warning sign to those who are looking for commitment.

“If it’s all about sexting early on, it’s a pretty good indication that the relationship is sex-based,” says Cox, and if the communication is 70% sexting, for example, you are probably being perceived as no more than a casual sex partner.

And be warned — sexting can become addictive. “It can become compulsive,” says Kenny.

“It is so quick and easy and accessible and gives you instant gratification.

“The nature of any addiction is that you have to keep going for the bigger thrill to get the same buzz, and that increases your risk of being caught or of material getting out there and being potentially damaging,” Kenny says.

Consider yourself warned.