Win over the whining child

WHINING — it’s one of the childhood behaviours most likely to set a parent’s teeth on edge.

“It gets a reaction,” agrees Joanna Fortune, clinical psychotherapist and director of Solamh Parent-Child Relationship Clinic. “It’s irritating and usually happens when a parent’s unavailable — maybe they’re on the phone — so tolerance is lower.”

Whining is different to crying and different to being hurt, says Fortune. “It’s that middle area where ‘I’m uncomfortable and I’m letting you know’.”

A parent — exposed to an escalating volume of whine until they just want to shout ‘stop!’ — might think the child’s just trying to irritate. But that’s not so, says Fortune.

“Whining is a sign your child needs you to reconnect with them. It comes from a feeling of powerlessness and is a way of gaining a bit of power over adults.”

When your child whines, it’s good to rule out illness and then ask some questions: Has she had enough sleep? Have you been busier? Has routine changed recently?

Whining isn’t a conscious strategy but a learned behaviour, says Fortune — and parents can play a role in perpetuating it.

“If a parent responds to whining, they teach that whining is an effective communication tool. What you want is to help your child express himself in an acceptable manner.”

Instead you might say: ‘I don’t like it when you whine but I know it’s because you can’t find your toy/dropped your book. Try asking for it like this ... ‘ and give the example.

You can also keep whining at bay by engaging before it has a chance to happen. Recognise the triggers for your child. “See it coming,” says Fortune. “Say ‘I see you’re looking for me to play with you. I will come to you when I have done this chore’. And then do it — don’t tell your child you’ll be with them after you’ve done the dishes and then start the hoovering. And be sure to praise your child for waiting: ‘Thank you so much for showing me your patient side’.”

When it comes to whining — and to other difficult child behaviours — it’s helpful, says Fortune, to think of yourself not as your child’s thermometer (just measuring the heat of a situation whereby you risk matching it) but as his thermostat (parent dials down a heated situation a couple of degrees).