Sex life suffers as prostate problem causes male depression

Q. My husband was recently diagnosed with prostate cancer.

He is in his 60s and is very depressed. Our sex life, though not very active, has come to a standstill. I feel shut out and unable to comfort him beyond serving meals. What can I do?

A. A diagnosis of cancer is devastating in anyone’s life. Your husband is adjusting to the diagnosis.

It is very common to feel anxious and depressed. With diagnosis the first thoughts are about getting rid of the cancer at any cost. It is a difficult time for both of you. It seems that you feel totally helpless.

There will be a shift in his thinking as he is facing treatment in the future. He can feel that he is no longer in control and this leads to feeling disempowered.

In these circumstances men feel that their body is letting them down.

He is finding this time very difficult and is not talking to you leaving both of you feeling very isolated and frightened, enduring silence and distance.

The most important thing you can do is to continue being there for him. You may be underestimating how vital those meals are. If you can, try and open up a conversation. Let him know how this is impacting on you. Tell him of your thoughts and fears. Talk about the silence and your helplessness.

You want to be there for him. Ask how best you can help him. Also he will be facing difficult choices regarding treatment alternatives. Ideally you both should be involved in these decisions. This could lead to opportunities to speak more openly about sexual consequences.

Now — whether changed by diagnosis, surgery or treatment, we are still sexual beings. Sexuality is part of us, but we can suppress it. We can choose to express it at times appropriate to both. Intimacy is the vital ingredient in the sexual being. With diagnosis and treatment of this condition sex doesn’t have to stop. Your sex life probably won’t be the same. But, remember with age you were facing some change anyway.

You two have been intimate over the years of your marriage. At times sex was probably good and others maybe not so great. Right now try and rebuild the intimacy. We all, as humans in attaching to someone need affection, love and touch.

Go slowly and try to get this going again. You too, could have lack of libido, partly because of worry about him. But also, because of menopausal symptoms, particularly vaginal dryness and sweats.

He may be fearful that he will have loss of erection post treatment. Remember this may be the total expression of his sexuality and expression of his love for you. This can cause a loss of his sense of self and thus a loss of self-confidence.

It is important to know that post treatment he can enjoy the sensual contact, the arousal and that he can orgasm without an erection. He may not ejaculate but can have the pleasurable sensations and muscular contractions that go with orgasm.

Couples who have been a long time together, can lose the habit of being able to talk to each other. Set aside a time to talk and really listen to each other. It is really a must right now. Finally I would urge at some stage to go and talk to a Sex Therapist.

* Marie Daly is a Psychosexual Therapist with Mind and Body Works.

Visit www.mindandbodyworks.com