How to reawaken your desire and revitalise your interest in sex

I’m 57 and have lost interest in sex. My husband has given up making advances. I know it’s unfair to him but I have no desire. I don’t want to feign interest. I am afraid our zero sex life will drive us apart and I’ll end up alone.

Your husband has stopped initiating sex probably because he feels guilty. For most, sex is a two-way encounter with partners giving and receiving pleasure. In the absence of this dynamic it’s understandable your husband is not looking to engage in sex.

In the early days of a relationship, there is usually a tension as two people discover each other. There is mystery and both are free to come and go. Perhaps your husband seduced you first and in the process opened you to a sexual relationship? This is often the case where women see themselves as feminine and it is up to the man to create the desire.

Sex between you probably started out well but then with the stresses and strains of everyday life the early heady days passed.

Sex can easily become a chore with little or no sense of pleasure.

Take a look at how you connect as a couple. No doubt there is ebb and flow. Sometimes the communication is fluid and at other times it can seem cut off. What about the things you do together, the small everyday things? Like washing up, preparing a meal, going out, having a party and so on? Do you connect by touch?

You talk of a fear of ending up alone. This is understandable as there is an element of dependency in every relationship. There is much talk of equality in today’s society, yet often at the core of a relationship there are power battles. Working on the division of power is part of all relationships.

Is there any excitement in your lives? Sex becomes boring if it is just about erection, intercourse and orgasm. Pleasure, sensuality and eroticism are all an essential part of a happy sex life. Play and imagination have a role to play, too.

You need to think about personal pleasure. No doubt you have negative thoughts about sex that are self-defeating. At any point was sex something exciting to your life? Perhaps it’s time to challenge your negative view.

The next is to get in touch with erotic feelings. Start thinking about what may have aroused you sexually in the past. There are the fantasies and things that turned you on. This can be clothes, music, books and so on. Fantasy is about expanding your ideas.

Different things have different effects on people. There is nothing wrong with erotic fantasy. Remember it is only thoughts that may open you up to freedom in your sexual relationship. Find something that arouses and excites you.

Desire is not a tap that can be switched on and off. It begins early in the day with thoughts that are positive. If you plan to go on a date you think about what you are going to do and usually find something that you both enjoy. Planning a holiday is the same. We fantasise about exotic places and there is a sense of adventure. There is always an element of surprise.

Introduce this to your relationship. Ask your husband what he thinks. You both might surprise each other. Only you know if your sex life is worth revitalising.

Marie Daly is a psychosexual therapist with Mind and Body Works. Visit www.mindandbodyworks.com. Please send your questions to [e-mail]