Setting the boundaries about discussing parent’s sex life

Q. My mother, who is in her early 60s and in a new relationship, has started to discuss her sex life with me. I find it very off-putting and simply don’t want to know. How do I talk to her about this without putting a dampener on her excitement?

A. Dead right you don’t want to know about her sex life!

It sounds like your mum is really excited about her new relationship. You are probably close to her and so she is confiding in you as a friend. Understandably, you are uncomfortable but don’t know how to stop her without hurting her feelings.

Ask yourself why you feel so uncomfortable? There can be many reasons. The first that jumps to mind is the myth out there that somehow it is only the young who have sex.

Their is an unspoken belief that sex diminishes with age. But people can have sex all of their adult lives, and that includes in older age — whatever that might be.

If you think back to your teenage years as you were growing up and detaching from your mother you certainly wouldn’t have wanted to know about your mother’s sex life. This is a natural boundary.

It is normal for teens and young adults to be going on dates and beginning relationships. Teenagers, of say separated parents, can find it difficult when a parent is doing what they are doing — dating.

As an adult child it is not the sex that the parent is having or not having that is the issue but the sense of a boundary being overstepped. No matter what age you are, you are still your mother’s child, albeit as an adult.

So how can you talk to her? Gently tell her how much you care for her. Then mention her new relationship and how is great to see her excited in her life. Remind her that you are her daughter and that while wanting to share her enjoyment it is not okay for you to hear the intimate details.

Talk to her about honouring the boundaries. There are certain topics that are not for sharing and this is one. There are times when adult children discuss a problem area with a parent, but it is usually about where to find help. In this case it seems your mother wants to share her joy but it is not appropriate with regards to her sex life.

As a sex therapist, clients talk to me about their intimate lives. If I ask have they spoken to anyone else most say that they wouldn’t share a sexual issue with their parents. It doesn’t seem right and that is because they are recognising the normal boundaries.

Indeed most clients say they wouldn’t even talk to their best friend about the sexual intimate details of their sex life. There is much in the media about sex, but not personal details. So do get talking to your mother and re-establish the healthy boundaries.

* Marie Daly is a psychosexual therapist with Relationships Ireland; visit www.relationshipsirleland.com.

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