I’m unhappy I have to initiate sex always with my husband

Q. I am married to a kind, considerate man but he is not particularly interested in sex. If I take the initiative he responds, but I am beginning to wonder if he feels any desire for me. When we met first the sex was great and exciting, but now I feel it’s all up to me. We have two children under eight.

A. When one partner is not engaging in sex the other will often believe they are no longer desirable. You say he is not excited any longer and deep down this hurts. It’s important to remember you are not the only couple with this problem. Little or no sex in relationships is a common scenario presented to relationship counsellors.

Being sexual with your partner in the beginning was exciting. This is part of the bonding and intimacy. It is also necessary to nourish the relationship and to connect with your husband.

I wonder when things changed? With children the focus is different and it is no longer just the two. There is no doubt that children in the home impacts couples’ sex lives more than work and the stresses that brings.

In the beginning you were probably completely involved with your baby, which is as it should be. Then sex is the last thing either of you were thinking about. It took time before you engaged in loving sexual encounters again. Then they were more than likely infrequent. And, somewhere along the line, your husband stopped initiating.

The stereotype for men is that they are always ready for sex. But men have sexual appetites that vary for many reasons. Hormone levels can fluctuate. Also it will depend on the emotional state. Then there are health factors and external pressures can play a part. As men grow older there will be changes. I wonder has the novelty of sex worn off?

Family and work responsibilities are competing for energy and the relationship is not high on the agenda. Maybe he is worried that he won’t be able to perform. Perhaps he has noted a slight change in his sexual response and he fears he will fail. Unfortunately, avoidance leads to missing out the chance to share physical and emotional intimacy.

So what to do? A man may not admit to losing interest in sex. However, with loss of desire an important step is a physical examination. A doctor can make sure there are no medical problems.

Beyond the medical concerns, communication is key to bridging your relationship gap. If a couple are not talking about a problem, it won’t go away. He is kind and You must bring him on board and open up a conversation. He needs to learn that lovemaking can be satisfying even if there isn’t an orgasm.

Talk about what you are feeling. Name your concern about his desire for you. Start first with going on dates that are enjoyable for both. This helps to build up rapport. Then plan sexual dates, making sure to create an ambience. Spend plenty of time holding, cuddling, caressing and massaging each other. Enjoy the pleasure of this and share your thoughts. You don’t always have the focus on intercourse. Just enjoy being together and if the relationship and being close sexually are important it will start to flow.

* Marie Daly is a psychosexual therapist with Relationships Ireland; visit www.relationshipsirleland.com.

* Please send your questions to: [e-mail]