Honesty can outshine lies

Children learn to be untruthful from their parents. Be a role model, says Helen O’Callaghan.

AT about age three, when children realise other people can’t see inside their heads they may start to tell lies.

Motives for fibbing are multiple — covering up so they won’t get in trouble, lying to get something they want (‘Mom always lets me have sweets before dinner’), looking for attention.

When lying is prevalent among older children, parents worry a lot, says parent coach Marian Byrne.

“Honesty’s a value that comes high on most people’s list. Often what triggers parents to get help is when kids start telling stories to other children — ‘we’re going on holidays’ — stuff that’s not true.”

Parents shouldn’t take the behaviour personally, says Byrne. “See it as simply behaviour that you can handle. You can steer them through it.”

Avoid labelling the child — labels can become self-fulfilling prophecies. Shaming the child, such as by telling other people about the naughty behaviour.

“For a child’s self-esteem, they need to have a sense of virtue, a sense that they’re a good person,” says Byrne.

When a child lies — ‘no, I didn’t spill the milk’ — focus first on what happened rather than on the lie: ‘If you want the milk, tell me and I’ll get it for you.’

“Afterwards, talk about the lie that was told,” advises Byrne. “Let them know that no matter what happens honesty is valued and that there will be consequences if they lie. Ensure consequences are linked to what has been done. This might mean going to someone and apologising.”

Remember you’re a role model. We can unconsciously teach our children to tell white lies.

“We meet someone and say ‘aw, great to see you’. As soon as the person’s out of earshot, we remark to our child: ‘God, she’s awful’. Know that children will do what they see you doing,” cautions Byrne.

Never cover up for your child. If he doesn’t do homework and wants you to write a note saying he was ill when he wasn’t, say no. “One way of letting him handle the consequences is by not writing the note — instead he has to tell the teacher what he did. Do this appropriately. You might rethink if the child’s very vulnerable or has a difficult relationship with teacher,” says Byrne.

THE TRUTH OF IT

¦ Respond so child feels less need to be defensive: ‘Did the milk spill?’ rather than ‘Did you spill the milk?’

¦ Teach that no matter what they do, honesty is always positively regarded.

¦ Provide opportunities for imaginative play so they make up elaborate stories in appropriate context.

¦ Ask yourself what’s behind the lie.