When Dad can’t stop worrying
Dad of One Direction star Niall Horan was recently rumoured to be so worried about his 18-year-old son, that he asked his bandmate, Harry Styles, to keep an eye on him. Although the story has been denied since, there are many dads who wouldn’t have found it all that unbelievable.
“Not at all,” says parenting expert John Sharry. “Parents are right to worry. The statistics around young men’s drinking are horrible. The dangers of suicide, crime, violence, rape, sexual indiscretions and drug taking are huge, and they are all directly, or indirectly related to drinking.”
We all know, though, that young men will drink. So what can dads do about it?
“Don’t delude yourself. And don’t do nothing,” says Sharry. “Talk to your son about the dangers, but take it further. Explore how he would handle a difficult situation. Suppose his mate is hammered and wants to give him a lift? How can he deal with that in a cool way? Talking about it is a form of prevention. When it comes to that moment he will have a plan.
“The biggest danger is a bad peer group. If your son hangs around with heavy drinking, reckless young men, they are at a greater risk. Cultivate good friendships. And it is good to ask his friends for help. Take an interest in them, and talk to them about how they should best look after each other.”
Sharry advises against drinking with your son.
“Many teens see their parents drunk, and being mean. Your son will accept that in your youth you did things that weren’t great, but you’re not a youth now. You are a responsible father, and should be a good role model.”
Leonard Hobbs from County Kildare says he worries about sons Christopher 20, and Danny, 18 a lot. “I’m more of a worrier than my wife,” he says. “Dads do worry. We were lads once ourselves so we know what they can get up to. We know what the lads are thinking.
“Last week was Danny’s birthday. I went to West Cork with him and his friends, and I hung out there for two days to chaperone him. I was being a gooseberry, but I was worried about bottles of vodka being hidden behind a tree.
“I start worrying when the lads hit 17. We live in the countryside, so before then they have to be driven and we know where they are. Christopher was driving at 17. I knew he wouldn’t drink and drive, but I worried about his speed. The other day I found vodka mixers in the back of his car. That worried me.
“Danny is a singer songwriter, and he plays in a band with his mates. He’s busked with them on Grafton Street. He’s a great songwriter. He’s won competitions, and he writes about things that have happened in his life. He broke up with a girl, and wrote about that.
“Alcohol goes with the performance, but Danny isn’t much of a drinker. He had his first drink on the 18th birthday, and I know that’s unusual. I can imagine asking his friends to keep an eye on him. If I was worried, that seems a sensible thing to do.”
Cork man Greg Canty says his son, Brendan, 23, is now sensible and well-adjusted. But there was a time when he worried about him, big-time.
“When he was growing up he was into football. Around the time of his Junior Cert he was hanging around with a bunch I didn’t take to. I was worried, at that stage that he’d start drinking.”
Then the worst happened.
“He was jumped on one night by one of his mates, and they tried to beat him up. He got a terrible fright, and backed away. And then transition year changed his life. He was a star in a play at his school in Ballincollig, and he liked the stage thing. Boys were filming the performance, and this stirred an interest in film.
“He hung around with a different, positive crowd, and its stayed that way since. He was saved by music. He studied multimedia at the Cork Institute of Technology. I’d put money aside for college, and there were no huge fees, so I was able to buy him his cameras. “He now has a production company called Feelgoodlost, and does graphics for DJ’s for concerts and for gigs. He also makes music videos for bands. He hangs around with musicians all the time. We work together sometimes. We have a great relationship. My main worry, in the past, was when he broke up with girlfriends. I’d worry because he’s a soft soul. I’d ask his sister to keep an eye on him.”
Brian Finnegan, author of The Forced Redundancy Film Club has always been aware of the need to set a good example to his son, Colum, 22. “Once, we had a family gathering at my parent’s house. Colum was 13. My cousin brought these vodka shots. I had one, and I don’t remember a thing from the rest of the night. It was like a blank in time.
“I talked to Colum the next day. I said, ‘that’s what drink can do.’ He was shocked. I’m now aware of not appearing drunk in front of him. I didn’t want to give him that example. We Irish see excessive drinking as the norm. I didn’t want him to think that I’ve no interest in drinking with him.
“When he went to college, he certainly drank. He’s not an angel. He was full-on partying, and in first year, he made his own alcohol. As long as it was out of my eyes I didn’t think or worry about him. I trust Colum as a person.
“Then I bumped into him when he was drunk, and my first thought was worry. I thought, ‘I don’t like this.’ He’s a quiet boy, and, drunk, he was out of control. He was laughing at nothing the way drunk people do.
“Now, though, Colum couldn’t care less about drink. He recently gave it up, because he’s moving to Berlin and he’s saving money. He’s not going out, so he’s not drinking.”
