Let’s talk about sex
COUPLES are now having three times more sex thanks to the international best-selling erotic book 50 Shades of Grey.
After reading the hot page turner, researchers found on average women who had sex with their partners once a week, are now getting under the covers three times a week.
But away from the “mummy porn”, midlife is a transition point in the sex lives of most couples.
For most women it’s the time when the menopause starts and with it yo-yo hormonal swings and flagging libidos.
For men there is erectile dysfunction to deal with and dropping testosterone levels, which can bring worries that somehow their manhood is not what it once was.
Yes, the kids no longer have to be washed, dressed and fed, but having all that extra time together can present new challenges. So what better time to reinvest in the relationship and put some energy into it.
Here we look at some of the key questions couples face about their midlife sex lives:
>> “Sexless” marriage — as defined by the sex experts and sociologists — is one where sex takes place fewer than 10 times a year. A relationship like this can survive, but whether the couple is happy is another question.
A study from Georgia State University suggests about 15% of married couples have not had sex with their spouse in the previous six months to a year. Participants in the study reported feelings of frustration, depression and low self-esteem. It is important to remember that sex is only one form of intimacy. The number of times you have sex is a lot less important than how happy you feel in a relationship.
In my own survey of 3,500 couples (moresexdaily.com) there is a statistically significant relationship between sexual dissatisfaction and infidelity.
>> If you don’t approve, I’d suggest you have to turn a blind eye. Figures from research carried out in the US in 2006 suggest that 97%of men had at some time searched for “free porn” through an internet search engine.
The real question is whether both parties are willing to accept that it is OK in a committed relationship to have a private solo-sex life. In my opinion, we should allow some autonomy.
>> Yes. Although most sex therapists would argue that we shouldn’t make orgasm the goal, there is a reason why it’s called a climax.
Orgasm is the pinnacle of sexual ecstasy. The body and even the brain need an end point during sex. Orgasmic inequity is a real problem. The idea of sex without orgasm would be laughable for most men, but women seem more likely to put up with it.
My research suggests that only 31.6% of women can orgasm solely through penetrative sex but 88.1% can orgasm solely through clitoral stimulation. Men, take note
>> A partner’s sexual behaviour in the primary relationship will almost certainly change if there is an extra-curricular relationship.
>> A study of diaries kept by newlyweds in the US found that during the first month, most had sex 17 times. By the end of the year it was eight times a month.
Closer to home, the median is about once a week or less. Results from my survey of couples in long-term relationships indicate 7.2% of participants have daily sex, 46.9% have weekly sex, 27% have monthly sex, 8.7% have annual sex and 10.2% never have sex at all.
Sexual frequency declines with age. These figures suggest 18.9% of my sample are living in “sexless marriages”, but it is important to remember that estimates of frequency only consider how often sexual intercourse takes place; they don’t account for affectionate behaviour such as kissing, cuddling, caressing and holding hands — which are a more important predictor of love and a good relationship than sexual intercourse.
>> Yes. A study in the US suggests 44% of women between 18 and 60 have used a sexual device, and that they have fewer sexual problems and higher levels of satisfaction than non-users.
In the past 10 years new technology has lead to the development of some amazingly innovative toys.
Battery-operated devices were noisy and weren’t powerful enough to provide adequate stimulation, but newer vibrators can provide 6,000 vibrations a minute.
But sex aids don’t have to be electronic. Try a scented candle made out of soy wax.
Once they’ve melted, you can pour them on to your partner’s body for a sensual massage.
>> If one person wants sex every day and the other wants it once a month, it is difficult to find a midpoint that partners can agree on. In situations like this, it is usually the partner with the lower libido who dictates the pace.
However, there is a direct relationship between lack of sex and lack of marital satisfaction, so it is essential that some sort of accommodation is reached.
Use a bit of lateral thinking and, instead of trying to agree on a mutually acceptable number of sexual interactions, try questioning your relationship with your bedroom.
Do you go to bed at different times? Do you have a TV in the room? Do you wear pyjamas? Do you snore? Do you leave your clothes on the floor? Do you pounce on your partner before he or she has time to adjust to the idea of sex? Do you offer affection outside the bedroom?
Frame a conversation about mismatched libidos differently, and you will find it easier to see the solutions.
>> Some couples do share their sexual fantasies, but most people keep schtum as 90% of sexual fantasy revolves around someone, or something, other than a current long-term partner, suggests research by Professor Brett Kahr, a psychotherapist.
Sharing fantasies can be risky It is generally safer and kinder to say nothing.
>> The intense physical attraction that you feel at the beginning of a relationship fades within 18 months to two years, so a dwindling attraction is not unusual in long-term relationships.
We can, however, train ourselves to increase our desire for our partners (assuming there are not huge problems in the relationship). Focus on sharing novel and stimulating activities.
Arthur Aron, the American psychologist and relationship expert, says couples who avoid routine and constantly challenge themselves have the happiest relationships and the most sex.
>> If being normal means being part of the majority then yes, it is normal to have less sex after you have had children.
Tiredness is an issue, but becoming a parent and remaining sexually active is challenging because once a woman has children she gets all the physical affection that she needs (and the resultant rush of the bonding hormone oxytocin) from cuddling her children.
In contrast, men only generate oxytocin and experience the sense of feeling bonded after they ejaculate. In my view, it is key to be mindful of how much becoming a parent has affected your relationship.
>> In the aftermath of Fifty Shades of Grey, media hype about kinky sex has left many feeling a little inadequate. But suffice to say that Fifty Shades is fantasy.
If vanilla is your favourite flavour there is no reason to force yourself to try pistachio. You’re not boring, just satisfied.
>> The discovery of infidelity kills desire in the betrayed party, although the unfaithful partner may try to claw their way back by becoming more sexual.
Studies by the psychologist David Bus show women are more affected by emotional infidelity, such as a long-term affair, and men by sexual infidelity.
If a couple is trying to repair the damage an unfaithful man is, therefore, more likely to get a positive response from his partner if he gives her more attention and affection, whereas an unfaithful woman needs to show she still wants to have sex with her betrayed partner.
Not every marriage that is affected by infidelity can, or should, be saved but sometimes, with a lot of work, couples can, through counselling, find a deeper level of honesty and intimacy.
>> It is important that both parties are willing to try new things, but if you don’t feel comfortable talking dirty or dressing up you’re not going to enjoy yourself, so sex becomes a one-sided experience.
It is possible to compromise, but only if you have both been upfront from the start.
>> The older a man gets the more likely it is that he will encounter some form of ED and it is estimated that half of all men between 40 and 70 years of age will experience at least one incidence.
Sometimes, persistent ED can reflect more serious underlying health conditions such as heart disease, which is why men who feel their erection is failing should always consult a doctor.
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