What do girls and guys really want this Christmas?

What he wants ...

A MATE of mine once got a guitar for Christmas from a girlfriend.

Cute, eh? She obviously had romantic notions about him serenading her and her friends around a campfire or bringing it along to entertain at house parties. Or maybe she imagined him strumming languidly on it to her late on muggy, summer evenings.

However well-intentioned, she couldn’t have got it more wrong. My friend — who isn’t, it should be pointed out, very musical — never even got lessons to try and learn the confounded instrument. Instead, it remained, conspicuously, in the corner of his room, unloved, a big wooden reminder to them both of the idiocy of its purchase.

It might have been used to swat flies in the summer months but by then my friend had offloaded it on Buy & Sell. The girlfriend was long gone by that stage, too. With the gift of a guitar, she had broken one of the golden rules when getting your fella something for Christmas — try and make sure it’s something disposable; that way, if he doesn’t like it, you won’t have to see it lying around, redundantly, at a later date.

Clothes are a case in point. It’s foolish to get your guy clothes as a present. Would you, for example, let him pick you out a pair of shoes or a “nice blouse”? It goes the other way. Take ties. My lady got me a tie last year. It is brown and has bubbling beers peppered on it. She thinks it’s funny; I think it’s moronic. She’s Venezuelan so I tell her that Irish people are quite formal in their dress sense, and mumble something about taking the rubbish out.

Jewellery presents are another sticky area. Irish men don’t do bling well. Maybe Latin men do. But the sight of Irish blokes wearing silver and gold brings the movie Snatch to mind. As for a watch, a metrosexual friend of mine tells me it’s a secret engagement present.

Another no-go area is the realm of self-improvement. Under no circumstances, if he’s added a few pounds lately, get him anything exercise-related, like runners, if it’s not to do with an already established passion of his. Maybe he’s just insulating for another harsh winter.

And even if he has a sports hobby, tread carefully — if he’s a golfer, for instance, don’t dare get him golf lessons; they might be a good idea — but they’ll only be a 9-iron for his friends to mercilessly club him with: “Will she be getting you driving lessons for your birthday?”

Rest easy, though, there are a couple of bankers. A magazine subscription is a good bet. If he’s a sports fan, you won’t go wrong with a replica shirt of his favourite team, but stop short of getting him matching togs and socks.

A ticket to see his favourite team will do the trick, too. And if there’s a no-brainer, it’s surely the gift of a pair of concert tickets. It’ll be a life experience — rather than, say, some silly gadget — and it’s something you can both truck along together to. And, of course, he can get to enjoy music without having to learn an instrument.

What she wants ...

By Katy Harrington

THE season of giving is here and while it’s supposed to be a time of peace and serenity, filled with joy and cheer, for many men finding gifts for their loved ones fills them with anything but joy. Women are notoriously difficult to buy for; choose the right gift and you’ll spend the 25th being lovingly spoon-fed Christmas pudding, choose the wrong one and you might spend the day dodging a barrage of a mince pies aimed at your head. Here’s some advice for the men who want to avoid being a bad Santa...

Beware of underwear: We love underwear, but buying lingerie for your girlfriend/wife can be a minefield. Generally, men fall into two traps: they either choose something dominatrixy from Ann Summers or they go down the mumsy route. Aim for something lacy and sexy but feminine and make sure you get the size right (this will involve rooting around in her underwear drawer when she isn’t looking).

Put a ring on it: When you give us jewellery for Christmas, we think it means something — so tread carefully. Earrings are a classy, non-committal present, while a watch, necklace or a bracelet will always be well received. Rings, however, should be avoided unless offered upon one knee.

Get personal: Gifts with personal message or meaning are great; a book you loved reading, a painting or print by an artist she likes, or her favourite perfume are guaranteed to impress. However, writing us a poem will not.

Tech it out: cameras, iPods, or snazzy phones are all good, generous gifts but tend to be a little unromantic. Try filling the iPod with some of her favourite tunes to add the personal touch.

Humour us: Most women are serious about gift giving and witty, playful gifts can be a hit. But if you are giving a girl novelty socks, a silly apron, or a whoopee cushion you better have a damn good ‘real’ present in reserve.

Last Minute.com: Don’t for a second think that by leaving the pub after four pints on Christmas Eve, galloping into The Body Shop and picking up a hamper full of bath salts for your wife, mother and sister that you have pulled off the ultimate last minute Christmas shopping hat-trick. If you haven’t put an ounce of thought or effort into our present, we will know.

Nothing: If you think getting someone nothing is a clever solution to the ‘What to get the woman who has everything?’ dilemma, you are sadly mistaken.

Cold hard cash: Cash is fine if comes in an envelope from your granny but from the man you love you expect a bit more effort. A voucher for her favourite shop or beauty salon is a much better alternative.

Kitchen appliances: Year after year men congratulate themselves as they emerge from Argos, food processor in hand, only to be shocked and amazed when their partner sulks/cries/locks herself in the bedroom on Christmas Day. If you buy a woman a wooden spoon, be prepared for her to use it, and I don’t mean for baking cup cakes.