Sex File: I need time to reconnect with my husband, but he's keen to get into bed ASAP

Distance creates a degree of separateness that can easily get lost in the daily grind. Picture: iStock 

My husband regularly works away from home, sometimes for a few months at a time. I miss him, not least when dealing with our two teenagers on my own. When he gets back he's keen for us to get into bed as soon as possible, but I need time to reconnect in person first. How do we deal with this better?

When separation means that one partner is left holding the fort, the transition from being apart to together can be awkward. A lot of it can come down to poor communication and not really understanding each other's perspectives. 

After months of managing two teenagers, running the home and single-handedly keeping everyone and everything on track, a bouquet of flowers and some enthusiastic acknowledgement of your hard work might feel more welcome than a demand for sex the minute your husband crosses the threshold. 

He, on the other hand, could feel equally hard done by. After months of living and working in isolation, separated from the joyful hubbub of family life, he may yearn for physical touch and the loving embrace of his wife.

Psychologists use the term relationship "jet lag" to describe the challenge of being physically present in one location but psychologically present in another. 

After months of being apart, you and your husband are finally under the same roof, but you can't switch out of one state and into another. Letting go of months of parenting stress and loneliness isn't easy, especially if the conversations you have had while you have been apart have largely focused on how hard the arrangement is for you both.

Having limited amount of time with each other when you reunite creates additional pressure. Your husband tries to fast-track emotional connection by climbing into bed, but you need a minute to switch out of parent mode and into partner mode. When you don't respond in the way he would like, you're both left feeling dejected.

Recognising this pattern is the first step to changing it. The good news is there is a lot of preparatory work that you could do before your husband's next visit. When you speak to each other on the phone, talk about what you are looking forward to. Focusing on what you want to do with each other will create anticipatory excitement and put you into a more positive mindset.

Establishing a more structured re-entry process would be helpful too. 

When you are trying to pack six months into five days you need to manage your time. 

Prioritising family time - going out for a meal with the kids - before you attempt to have sex would enable emotional reconnection to precede sexual reunion. 

It's worth thinking about occasionally changing the direction of travel; instead of getting him to come home, visit him. You would get a better understanding of what his life away from you is like, and when you land in his world you might understand his need to reconnect a bit more clearly. 

When you arrive in a place that feels a little strange, getting into bed with someone warm and familiar immediately helps you to feel at ease and reconnected with your real life.

Although there are lots of challenges to a long-distance marriage, there are upsides. Distance creates a degree of separateness that can easily get lost in the daily grind. It helps you to see each other through a different lens and to recognise each other as individuals. It adds novelty too. Although you are intimately familiar, you get the opportunity to really miss each other, which is a kind of magic.

Send your queries to [e-mail]