Talk to Me: I'm grieving the death of my husband 

Psychologist Caroline Martin is here to answer your questions on whatever issues you are dealing with in life, from work pressure and stress to loneliness and grief

Pic: iStock

I’m 81, not in great physical health, grieving for my husband. What can I do to feel useful?

‘Death, where is thy sting?’ A question that poet Maya Angelou answers, ‘It is here in my heart and mind and memories.’

I am sorry to hear of the passing of your husband, and I admire you for reaching out while you are in such a difficult space. Grief can be all-encompassing, its tentacles stretching into our emotional and spiritual wellbeing and those parts of us that like to be social and industrious.

I have had reason recently to reflect on how we have adapted our grieving rituals to the demands of our busy world. Despite the tradition of wearing mourning clothes going back to Roman times, we now seem to revert to our usual attire, perhaps too quickly. There was merit in dressing in a manner that permitted us to grieve, to take respite from the busyness of our world and process the depth of our loss. In the 19th century, the whole family benefitted from this reprieve if the widow was dressed in mourning.

Before considering how you might tend to your desire to be industrious and ‘useful’, I suggest a crucial pause. Consider whether this is an internal drive or if it feels more like it is being imposed on you. Grief can be very uncomfortable, and we can rush to behaviours that feel familiar in an attempt to evade or outrun our sadness. Even well-meaning people in our lives might urge us to resume normal operations. Sometimes, this is because they are uncomfortable with our grief.

Take time to explore your grief - become curious about it. Notwithstanding the universality of death, grief is deeply personal. Allow yourself to become acquainted with the full range of your emotional responses to the death of your husband. You may discover other losses still lingering in the shadows that need to be acknowledged. You may decide to connect with a registered therapist.

As you seem to be leaning towards action, I suggest you put your reflection into action by journalling. Begin a grief journal where you can record your thoughts and feelings.

This can be done using words, sketches, inserting poems, cards, song lyrics or sheets of music. In essence, journalling is about expressing your internal story in whatever manner fits. It is a personal space for you to reflect on memories, emotions and the impact of your husband’s life and the life you shared with him.

Through journalling, you may discover that you have become more comfortable with articulating your grief, and you could decide to connect with a grieving community. There are many online communities where you can share your experience with others who are grieving. In these communal spaces, you may realise you have already covered a significant distance in your grief process and discover that you can support or guide others. This can be a powerful and healing experience.

Some of the Facebook community pages that connect people through grief use a shared interest in art or poetry as the conduit to share their experiences. The arts are a true gift in times of grieving. Consider how this might be true for you, not only as a consumer of literature, music or dance but also as a creator. Engage in creative pursuits that resonate with you.

Engaging in creative activities may remind you of your husband and the content can also evoke all sorts of memories. Acknowledge each memory and your response to it. Memories can help us to celebrate a whole life and not solely focus on the death of a loved one.

Sharing stories with friends and family can help keep his memory alive, and it can also help you connect with others who knew and loved your husband. It is a beautiful gift to discover new friendships and connections in this way.

They will have their own stories of your husband, and surprisingly, this can deepen your connection to him despite his physical absence. Similarly, your stories may help to deepen their connection to him.

As we move into the springtime, and the earth’s perpetual onward movement prompts you to look forward, consider some gentle physical exercise. Physical movement can contribute to your physical and emotional wellbeing. Check in with your local health centre as its staff may know of local yoga classes, chair yoga, or a walking group.

Nature has a unique way of offering comfort as we grieve. Take time to intentionally tune into the sounds, whether it’s the birds, waves, or rustling of leaves - nature’s melody can be soothing. Being outdoors in natural sunlight will also positively impact your mood and sleep patterns.

A daily routine is essential for your physical and psychological health. We do best when there is a sense of structure and predictability in our day and week. A routine will help ensure you achieve a balance between productivity and self-care.

Discover comfort in the gentle rhythms of life’s renewal. Embrace the whispers of nature, the healing power of shared stories, and the therapeutic strokes of creativity.

May the sting of grief gradually be replaced by the gentle warmth of renewal.

Take care.