The St Stephen’s Day survival guide: How to get through any family tensions
Deep breaths. You will soon be back on the couch with cheese watching all three Pitch Perfect movies back to back.
What goes up must come down, and when it comes to holiday hype, St Stephen’s Day can often be the catalyst for some interesting family dynamics. Neighbours for eggnog? Cousins up from Kerry? Or maybe it’s just your turn to host the day often considered the Christmas Day after-party. After the excitement of gifts, Santa and the big Turkey dinner, St Stephen’s Day can sometimes be a mixed bag of visitors and get-togethers.
For some, this is a day that may mean wearing matching jammies with your husband and parents-in-law for a couple of days (though you must swear a pact it never reaches social media). For others, it means having to brave other people’s food (Shoutout to neighbour’s homemade sherry that they announced “tasted better than it looked.” It absolutely didn’t.)
It might mean eating copious amounts of cheese to block the vitriol that ensues when Uncle Joe insults everyone after he's had too many Baileys (yes, that’s a thing), or hiding in the pantry because you lost the only tiny screwdriver in the house and there’s a line of expectant faces clutching plastic toys that urgently need batteries.
Family therapist David Kavanagh says when there are large groups people in the house at the same time, it’s inevitable that tensions might rise to the surface.
“There are huge expectations surrounding this time of the year,” he explains. “That also extends to family gatherings. It’s not realistic to imagine everyone will get along, especially if you throw in alcohol. We’ve all seen those movies that idealise family life. It’s a wonderful caricature, but the reality is nothing like this. It’s that mismatch between Hollywood’s depiction of the holidays with actual life which can kick things off. My advice is not to rise to the bait, especially when it comes to sibling rivalries or simmering tensions. In other words, we don’t have to react just because we can.”
Georgina Sturmer, counsellor, and member of The Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy says that during the lead-up to Christmas, most of us get caught up in our lengthy to-do list.
“We are racing about with gifts to buy and wrap, plans to arrange, events to organise, parties to attend, but in the midst of all the planning and ordering and buying and cooking, we don’t always stop and take enough time to think about what Christmas is actually going to be like. How we feel about spending so much time with our friends and family?” Sturmer recommends understanding the triggers that may set you off. “Over the holidays, we often see people who we don’t see very often, or go to places that we seldom visit. Keep an eye out for people or places that might trigger uncomfortable feelings for you. Maybe you find yourself feeling angry or frustrated. Or reverting into your angry teenage self. If you know that there’s a place or a person who might really push your buttons, think about how you will keep yourself calm and how you can manage your behaviour when you get there.”
Sturmer also says it’s a good idea to practice your deflections. “This isn’t a ninja move,” she admits. “It’s about launching a pre-emptive strike on those thorny topics of conversation. Maybe you’re dreading awkward questions about your home, your work, your relationships, your parenting, your fertility, the list is endless. The reality is that the holiday season can be a hotbed for uncomfortable questions. Even when they are asked with the best of intentions. If you plan your conversational segues and witty responses then at least you’ll know how to move things on when the chat becomes tricky.
Life coach, Bayu Prihandito says it’s also about maintaining boundaries. “It's perfectly acceptable to set your own boundaries during these family gatherings. If you find certain topics or situations stressful and provocative, kindly steer the conversation elsewhere or express your discomfort in a respectful way. Focus on the positive aspects of the season and having all your family gathered together, see it as a chance to reconnect and create lasting memories.” On the plus side, it might also mean collecting some funny stories to tell when you get home.
But remember, for the most part, you are all there to warm the cockles of your collective hearts.
An entire day eye-twitch is a small price to pay for such genuine love, affection and unsolicited advice about soother usage in three-year-olds. Remember that you are doing this out of pure love and festive cheer.
Repeat after me: Love. And. Festive. Cheer.
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