Talk To Me: I'm struggling to adjust to being a mum on the sidelines 

Psychologist Caroline Martin is here to answer your questions on whatever issues you are dealing with in life, from work pressure and stress to loneliness and grief

Pic: iStock

My two children are in their late teens and enjoying their independence. I’m delighted for them, but I miss their company at home. I work full-time and it’s particularly noticeable on the weekends when they go out with their friends. 

My husband spends most of his free time volunteering at the local sports club. I know I need to take up new interests and ‘get a life’ but I’m finding it difficult to adjust to being mum on the sidelines.

‘In the blink of an eye,’ is a phrase we often hear about the speed at which our children appear to grow up. Of course, it can feel somewhat different when we are pacing the floorboards with a colicky baby for the gazillionth night in a row. So, we can be caught off guard when we suddenly discover we are sharing our home with these wonderful autonomous individuals.

Getting your children safely from infancy to their late teens is a significant achievement. It has undoubtedly been a 24/7 job, more relentless than perhaps we dare to acknowledge when we are in the midst of it. Becoming a parent, seemingly overnight, to independent individuals can leave you feeling like you have stepped onto a foreign planet. The behaviours you have honed over their childhood no longer seem to fit. At first glance, this can look like you, and not those behaviours, are redundant.

We naturally focus on the growth and development of our children as they transition through their various life stages. With this emphasis, we can be blind to our personal growth. Your children have not grown up in a silo, separate from you and their father. They have matured within the context of these relationships and their relationships within the wider family and community. If the words of psychologist Vygotsky are true, that we become ourselves through our interactions with others, this is as true for you as it is for your children. So, the question is, who have you become?

Becoming can require us to unlearn or shed some of the rituals and behaviours that have served their purpose but may now only serve to hinder us. As a working mum, I suspect you have stealthily acquired any number of strategies to juggle the many demands placed on you. As some of these demands cease, you may momentarily feel at a loose end. When you have been going at a significant pace, slowing to a more sustainable pace can feel painfully stagnant initially. Allow your body time to adjust. Don’t rush to pick up the pace blindly. Distinguish between filling your time and filling your pail.

Caroline Martin, psychologist. Photograph Moya Nolan

Right between your out-breath and in-breath, there is a pause. In yoga, this pause is called ‘bahya kumbhaka’, which means outside breath suspension. This pause is part of the breath cycle, which also includes inhaling, a pause when you momentarily hold onto the breath and then exhaling. For your situation, let’s focus on the pause after you exhale, the pause when you empty all the air from your lungs. Being aware of and increasing this pause enables you to connect more deeply with the present moment, the sounds around you, the sensations within you and the energy of the environment.

When you can do this in a place and time that is safe for you, you can achieve a state of calm from which your next story can unfold. In this state, you have space to be at your most curious.

Don’t assume your previous interests will hold sway with you now. During our younger years, our interests are often informed by those around us who have influence, whether our parents, friends or some cultural phenomenon. Passion, by contrast, comes from within, so you must be still long enough to let it surface and be courageous enough to name it when you feel it. Be ready to catch yourself as you light up when you observe, hear or consume something that moves you. Notice the details: where are you, who are you with, what you are doing.

As your children venture into new experiences and challenges, you will continue to play a crucial supportive role in their story. The skill is doing this without being intrusive, allowing them the experience of stumbling and getting back up again and celebrating their ability to persevere and their ability to ask for help when needed.

Take time to craft a style of communication and connection that works for you and your children. A large space is to be explored between the parenting style of helicopter mum Beverly Goldberg of The Goldbergs and dismissive Peg Bundy of Married…with Children. You’re not going to get it right all the time, you are likely to stumble. Remember to celebrate your successes and don’t be afraid to ask for support from your friends.

Taking time to recognise your evolving sense of self can be empowering, bringing happiness beyond the role of ‘mum on the sidelines’. After all, even Beverly and Peg got to be centre stage.

Take care.

• If you have a question for Caroline, please send it to [e-mail]