Sex File: I'm extremely sexually frustrated, but I don't feel like having sex with him

Everything my partner does irritates me. Picture: iStock

Everything my partner does irritates me. If he is in the same room as me I want to escape. He thinks we'd be getting on better if we were having more sex. The irony is I'm extremely sexually frustrated, but I don't much feel like having sex with him. If we do manage to be intimate I find myself too annoyed to enjoy it. How do we break this vicious cycle?

All couples go through phases where they get on each other's nerves. Sometimes when people feel constantly ratty and impatient with someone, it can mean that there are things going on beneath the surface. These may be things that a person is consciously or subconsciously not ready to deal with, but suppressing any kind of anxiety makes people irritable and inevitably, when that happens, they end up taking out their fears and frustrations on those they are closest to.

If being in the same room as him makes you want to run, I can understand why having sex might be the last thing you want to do, but not having sex because you are angry is a little bit chicken and egg, because having sex is sometimes the best way for two people who still basically like each other to alleviate conflict. If couples can get past the hostility between them, sex leads to rapid self-soothing that makes it much easier to soften your stance. After orgasm, the brain and the body are flooded with a cocktail of dopamine and oxytocin that variously serve to relax you and bond you to your partner.

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If this really isn't an option for you, an alternative is to actively take a break from each other. Can you get away for a few days on your own, or even with a friend? Time apart will help you to regain some perspective - and it may prompt the heart to grow fonder. Taking some time to recalibrate is important for everyone, but it is especially useful when you are behaving in ways that you don't quite understand. Being away from him will help you to see whether your negative feelings are stemming from minor annoyances, or whether they actually reflect more serious problems in the relationship. 

Has your partner done anything to hurt or humiliate you? Has he jeopardised your safety, or put you in financial difficulty? Has he betrayed you? Has he done something to turn you off? Without a more detailed explanation of when these feelings started, or what happened to cause them, the best I can do is to try to help you identify the trigger.

If you generally feel joyful and liberated in his absence, the issue is probably to do with the relationship; but if you find that your black mood has crawled into your suitcase and come with you, there is something else going on. Women are more likely to suffer from depression than men, and it doesn't always involve feelings of deep sadness, hopelessness, or worthlessness. In some people, depression manifests as persistent anger and irritability which can be directed towards themselves and/or others.

Finally, if you don't think you are depressed and your partner genuinely hasn't done anything wrong, then you need to consider whether you are actually looking for a reason to exit the relationship. If this resonates, be a grown-up and be honest with him. You can't force yourself to love someone, but it would be wise to seek professional help at this point. A good couple counsellor can help to transform your emotional and sexual connection and if it doesn't work, at least you will have tried.

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