Sex File: He lets our new puppy sleep in the bedroom and it's killing our sex life

I feel like he is prioritising the dog over me and it's making me resent them both

We recently got a new puppy, largely at my boyfriend's behest; I'm not a massive dog lover

My boyfriend and I recently got a new puppy (largely at his behest; I'm not a massive dog lover), which he's insisting must sleep in the bedroom until he has settled - which is killing our sex life. I feel like he is prioritising the dog over me, but he says I just can't stand not being the centre of attention. It's making me resent them both.

I can't see why having a dog in a crate makes it impossible for you to have sex. Puppies need 15-20 hours of sleep a day and if the crate is on the floor where he can't even see you, having him in the room shouldn't make any difference. As soon as the puppy learns that he is safe in his crate and the humans in his life are reliable, your boyfriend will be able to move it out of the bedroom.

If you have had him a month, as you say in your longer letter, he must be coming up to three months in age. At that point puppies become much less anxious and are more independent.

But enough about dogs. I suspect the problem is not the puppy but the fact that your boyfriend chose to buy it even though he knew you didn't particularly like dogs. When your partner ignores your needs, it is easy to get swept up in your own emotional response - but if you want this relationship to thrive and survive, you need to look at the bigger picture, because how you handle this conflict is an important indicator of how you will handle the myriad other conflicts that will crop up if you stay together.

When romantic partners do things that we don't approve of, it challenges our understanding of the relationship and creates a degree of mistrust.

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After all, if he is willing to bring a four-legged friend into the relationship without taking your feelings into account, what else is he capable of? Your boyfriend's decision is also a reminder that your relationship is not something you have complete control over. You are in a relationship with an autonomous individual who makes his own decisions and that can feel a bit threatening.

When you commit to someone romantically, you do it voluntarily, but there is an - often unspoken - understanding that you will work together as a team.

As you have just discovered, that doesn't always happen, and when your partner makes a choice that has an impact on you, particularly if they haven't really consulted you, it inevitably causes conflict.

The good news is that recognising that you don't own your partner is a milestone in your relationship, and the feelings that this experience have generated can translate positively into more intense sex.

Acknowledging that you are "separate" and therefore cannot take each other for granted is important and that recognition can massively increase sexual desire. Also, after sex, the release of the bonding hormone oxytocin will make you feel much closer and will ease the tension between you. In the postcoital haze, it is much easier to have an honest conversation about how you feel and he might even meet you halfway.

It's also worth thinking about the accusation that he levelled at you. Although accusing you of not being able to cope with not being the centre of attention sounds harsh, there may be a grain of truth in it. If you can't share his attention with a puppy, you are doomed to a life of perpetual misery, because the only person you have full control over and the only person who can be there for you 100 per cent in life is you.

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