Sex File: He won't have sex without taking a shower first 

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When my new partner and I started dating he often suggested we take a bath or shower together before sex - and I thought it was romantic. Now it seems he won't ever do it without showering first. I've tried initiating sex spontaneously, but he always finds a way to shut things down. How can I make him loosen up and be more relaxed?

People have their own unique approach to hygiene and sex. Many feel comfortable having oral sex only if they have had a bath or a shower first. Others focus on dental hygiene and insist on pre-sex brushing and flossing. After sex, women are advised to take a pee within 15 minutes to avoid getting yeast or urinary tract infections. Men often have a more anomalous approach to the postcoital clean-up.

The difference between men and women was neatly illustrated in 2013 when a Mumsnet member made an infamous post about her husband's bedside beaker of water - which was not for drinking. It could be argued that sex is a pretty gross activity. It involves body parts and bodily fluids that under some circumstances trigger disgust rather than generate pleasure. Fortunately for most people, sexual arousal dampens the disgust response, and so the human race survives and thrives.

While it's lovely to have sex with someone who is always squeaky clean, that your partner can't have sex without taking a shower first suggests that there is something psychological going on. You could try showering with him so that it becomes a precursor to sex for both of you. Turning a ritual that may be rooted in anxiety into a shared activity that is associated with fun might be enough to break the pattern. Changing habits doesn't happen overnight, but if you can help your partner to be a bit more objective about the way his insistence on showering affects you and reduces spontaneity in your sexual relationship, he may make an effort to address the behaviour.

If showering with him and talking to him about your needs doesn't help, he may be suffering from obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD). Fears about hygiene and contamination compulsions are common manifestations of the condition, and although people can hide their rituals quite successfully if they are not in an intimate relationship, once they allow someone to get close to them it becomes almost impossible to disguise them.

Your partner may already worry or be aware that he has OCD, but he may not know that treatment is an option with a combination of antidepressants and cognitive behavioural therapy, and the impact is almost immediate. (A friend who was recently put on sertraline for OCD described the process of diagnosis as a huge relief.)

Although he may balk at the idea initially, getting this checked and possibly treated could be life-changing for your partner.

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