Sex File: He hates my 'comfy' underwear

Underwear trends have shifted from sex appeal to comfort as a necessity. Pic: iStock

My partner has made some not-so-subtle complaints about my underwear. We have two children and we both have demanding jobs. Why should I have to truss myself up in uncomfortable undies?

Push-up bras and lacy thongs are the underwear equivalent of Marmite. Some women absolutely love them, and others, like me, absolutely hate them. Among my friendship group the women who take a DD+ cup are the ones who tend to say that wearing great lingerie makes them feel much more confident, and they insist that they wear sexy lingerie for themselves, no one else. I can't relate. Like you, I cannot stand being trussed up in scratchy lace or stringy thongs, and underwiring leaves nasty red marks around my ribcage.

I feel the same about 'sexy' shoes. On the rare occasions that I wear high heels, I can't wait to get home so I can kick them off. I don't think any woman should wear anything for the benefit of someone else, but my dislike of lingerie and heels has nothing to do with the male gaze. I just hate feeling uncomfortable.

Having said that, your partner hasn't actually asked you to wear sexy lingerie, so don't jump to conclusions. He has just moaned about your underwear, so he may simply mean that your knicker drawer needs an overhaul. Who doesn't have bras and pants that are functional but all the same shade of grey? It can be hard to justify spending money on clothing that only one other person sees, but even basic underwear has a best-before date. Fortunately, there are excellent, elegant, inexpensive and extremely comfortable options on the market. I recently discovered a range of simple seamless bras and pants made from recycled polyester and elastane.

You should ask your partner what he means, because although some men are into sexy lingerie, many don't like it at all. In fact, in a recent magazine article where men were asked to choose between various lingerie looks, the most popular choice was by far the simplest and least vampy. This shift away from the whole push-up bra and suspenders aesthetic has been happening gradually over the past few years. In 2021 Martin Waters, the chief executive of Victoria's Secret, made the radical admission to The New York Times that it was time the brand stopped "being about what men want" and started being "about what women want". Also, working from home has made many people think about comfort over style. 

What most women want for everyday wear is a combination of comfort and adequate support, but when it comes to sex, fabric can really add to foreplay. I don't mean pointy bras and crotchless pants. I mean soft silks and slinky satins that are cool and smooth to touch. Silk, in particular, has always been recognised for its erotic qualities. It's more expensive than cotton, but the seam-free silk bras and pants from the lingerie brand Intimissi are on my birthday list. 

Undressing you to find silk beneath the surface will make your partner feel as if he has unwrapped a very hot present. He'll appreciate that you made an effort, even if you only end up wearing your new underwear for three minutes.

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