How tough talks can make your relationship stronger

Here's a relationship mentor's tips on how to really communicate

Having the tough talks can save your relationship.

There are certain topics that are routinely off the cards for many couples. Challenging issues, miscommunication, impatience, and frustration, and not being on the same page can make the big conversations very hard to hold. Emotions are heightened, feelings potentially hurt, and nothing solved. 

We’re all human and vulnerable in our own ways, after all, making some of the hardest discussions in life difficult to work through. Certain topics such as parenting, grief, money, and sex can leave us feeling threatened, unheard, uncomfortable, or pained.

How do we manage these tricky conversations with our partner and keep our relationship protected? Communication seems to come easy but communicating well with a partner is a life skill that will keep our relationship from being put through the wringer.

Understand Why This Conversation Is Important 

 There are reasons why some conversations are bigger and harder than others. As individuals, we protect ourselves from attack, naturally facing into a fight or flight scenario that encourages us to run away or retaliate. 

But the big conversations need time, understanding, and focus. Before we can even consider approaching the conversation with a partner, we need to understand why this conversation is important to us and how we can maintain both our level of safety and that of our partner in order to hold this conversation in a flexible, coherent, and solvable way.

“Crucial to beginning any conversation to address important issues is a sense of relational and psychological safety within yourself,” says Relationship Mentor, Anne Brannick. 

“My definition of this is based on my research and work of feeling safe to be yourself which means having the inner safety; to include yourself and your partner, to learn, to make mistakes and be open to others making mistakes; to contribute and be open to others contributing; to challenge the status quo and be open to others challenging the status quo in a kind, empathic and loving way.” 

To do this, Brannick advises, accepting yourself and understanding where you are with the issue. And also accepting where your partner sits with the issue. These are two sided conversations after all.

“This means that you have reflected on and are understanding of your own needs with regard to the particular issue,” says Brannick. “You are in a position to make a request without expectations, rather than a command or demand with regard to those needs. Expectations always breed resentment.” It also means, continues Brannick, that you are willing to hear fully with empathy and compassion from your partner on their perspective with a view to understanding their needs. “As Steven Covey, author of The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, said, 'Listen with the intent to understand not to reply',” says Brannick. She also recognises that at this stage you need to hear their perspective as being about their underlying unmet needs and not about you. 

 Choose the Right Time and Place

Anne Brannick

Walking in the door from a stressful day at work, or while unloading the weeks shopping is not the best time to commence a chat about the household budget. In bed is rarely the best place to have a safe discussion about your sex lives. 

And an honest conversation about parenting traits is best avoided when someone is already feeling particularly imperfect and vulnerable. There is a time and place for everything and knowing when to approach a partner about a particular conversation is key.

“In approaching the issue with your partner, you need to ask them to set aside a definite time when you can both be fully available to the issue,” says Brannick. 

If you start a conversation as soon as you have an idea, the other person may not be in a place to talk yet. When issues are brought up randomly, they can be easily side tracked or dismissed. If you or your partner are bringing the issue up when stressed, both parties can become triggered, and conflict can easily ensue. Each of you feels unheard as conflict escalates.”

 Set Boundaries

 We’re talking big conversations here. The type of discussions that can leave you feeling raw and exposed. Allowing yourself to be as open as possible during these conversations can certainly help to refine your reasons and help your partner understand your thoughts. But you also need to create a protective barrier and set boundaries to help maintain these hard but necessary discussions.

“With regard to boundaries I express the need for the issue being discussed to be an expression of my needs, as in 'I need', or which is known as an 'I' message,” says Brannick. 

“An expression of needs can be followed with 'What works for me is...'  A 'you' message in any form can be perceived as threatening and brings up a person's protectors. A 'you' message usually has an aggressive tone of criticism, blaming, or shaming, or of certainty such as unsolicited advice giving. It may start with, 'You always... You never… You only think of yourself', and the classic duo, 'You made me' or 'You made me feel' and the three advice giving phrases, 'you should, you must, you have to'.” 

As Brannick illustrates here, we can come across as the expert with our partner feeling criticised which can be very triggering, or vice versa. Maintaining boundaries, gives you (and your partner) the opportunity to ask for time and space to reflect on the trigger and to see what your hidden need is.

“This will give me a sense of separateness from a trigger and an ability to express unmet needs with an 'I' message,” says Brannick. 

“We need to set boundaries around possible triggers before we start a conversation so that we can have empathy for each other's triggers which nearly all research shows come from having to survive our early relationships with adults.”    

A boundary is always around you and not around your partner reinforces Brannick, as boundaries safeguard you against expectations and potential threats. 

So, when questions such as, Why are you overspending? Why don’t you want sex? Why are you unsure about having children? Why don’t you talk about your dad’s death? Why won’t you visit my parents?, are asked, you can be sure you have heard them correctly and can respond appropriately.

“Essentially, you’re giving and inviting understanding,” says Brannick. 

“If your partner continues to blame you, you can say I hear your distress at how you think I am spending but it doesn't tell me what you need from me. Can you let me know what you need from me, and I can then consider how I can meet that need or not.  If conflict continues, then both parties often seek support to bring to consciousness their unmet needs in a co-creational non-judgemental space with a Relationship Mentor who is required to examine their own story as a matter of ethical practice.” 

 Finding the right time, staying present and listening with understanding, avoiding blame, coming from a place of compassion and empathy, and knowing when to reach out for help can help manage these tricky but worthwhile conversations.