Ask Richard Hogan: My daughter told me she worries she 'won't be able to be an adult'

Stop tidying her room. Leave it get messy to point where she has to tidy it herself. She isn’t tidy because she has never had to be. 

I am at a loss with my teenage daughter 

Richard, I need your help. I’m very worried about my teenage daughter. She is in Leaving Certificate but won’t lift a finger. I am very concerned she is going to fail. She recently broke up with her boyfriend and this has devastated her. She was always a confident girl but now she doesn’t want to come out of her room. She can be difficult, her room is just beyond messy. Every time I clean it, it’s worse again the next day. She never does anything around the house, and she has always had a bit of an attitude. My husband avoids getting into conflict with her. She had a fight with her sister last night and called her some terrible things, like ‘fat’ and ‘ugly’. Which really hurt her sister. I just don’t know what to do. She has no direction, and told me that she worries she won’t be able to be an adult. Just this morning, she told me she didn’t want me bringing her breakfast in bed anymore. My mother was never there for us growing up, and I want to be a mother that is there for my children. But I worry I’m doing all the wrong things. I know I can be too involved in her life, she has told me this but I’m really at a loss. What do I do? - Concerned mum 

When we have children, we can attempt to rectify some of the negative experiences we had growing up. However, there is often a paradox in this type of parenting approach; the thing we attempt to fix is the very thing we bring into life in our relationship with our own children. 

It sounds like your childhood relationship with your mother was difficult. And it also sounds like you declared to yourself, your child will experience a loving mother. Which is a beautiful thing to decide. However, we must always be careful how we ameliorate a childhood experience. Giving your child everything doesn’t make them love you or feel love, it makes them lack gratitude for the world around them, and makes them feel powerless. 

One of the most significant things you said in your correspondence is that your daughter worries she will not be able to be an adult. I’d love to hear what exactly she believes adult life is like. That would be an important question to ask, so you can see what she is fearful of, and what she believes she doesn’t have to be able to manage the demands of the adult world. 

So, the next time you discuss this, ask that question and drill down into what she feels she lacks. When we have a fear, we have three responses; control, avoidance, and reassurance. It sounds like she is avoiding. Which can be a very destructive behaviour to develop in response to fear or stress.

You also said that you bring her breakfast in bed. You have a young adult in your house, and if you manage this incorrectly you will have, what many families experience around the world, failure to launch. When a child’s agency is taken from them over the course of their development, they will struggle to meet the normative ups and downs of life. They will feel completely powerless and lack a belief in their own agency to control the direction of their life. This is a huge problem for children moving into adult life. 

You said that you brought her breakfast in bed, even after an event where she called your younger daughter, ‘fat’ and ‘ugly’. 

This is not acceptable behaviour, and I wonder how your other daughter internalises this, when she sees normal service resuming after being insulted so terribly by her older sister. Those words cut, and they must not go unchallenged. 

Richard Hogan: Sometimes, pulling back is what allows children to grow.

You said your husband avoids conflict with her, but the more you avoid it the more you will experience it. She has to know there are ramifications for her behaviour. Boundaries are what help children make sense of the world and themselves, and without them your daughter will lack any sense of self or direction. Which sounds like what she is currently experiencing. 

You have to sit down with your husband, and really develop a new strategy for how to parent your daughter. You cannot shy away from conflict with her when she crosses the line.

Also, stop tidying her room. She is a young adult now, start to develop her agency with a second order change. Leave it get messy to point where she has to tidy it herself. She isn’t tidy because she has never had to be. 

Finally, you cannot make her study, she has to want to do that for herself. 

Sometimes, doing a very poor Leaving Certificate is the motivation a student needs to improve. So you need to relax about that, she will find her way, and she will become a wonderful adult, but she needs parents who support and instill solid values in her as she moves towards adult life. 

Sometimes, pulling back is what allows children to grow.