Sex File: My new man takes too long — I'm exhausted and struggling to keep up

If you make it into a big thing, you may unintentionally perpetuate the problem

Consider introducing a vibrator during foreplay; research has found it can help men in your boyfriend's situation.

I've recently started seeing a new man. This may be a rare complaint, but he takes much, much longer over sex than my previous partner. I'm struggling to keep up. Have you got any advice?

You don't say how long your boyfriend takes, so it is difficult to know how serious the problem is. 

Certainly, any man who routinely takes longer than half an hour to orgasm has a problem that needs addressing, but if he takes half that time, the differential is the level of distress it causes to him and to you. 

Once intercourse begins, most sexually functional men will take four to ten minutes. Even so, a man who usually climaxes in less than three minutes but who is not distressed about it would not be diagnosed as having a premature ejaculation issue.

Since you have not been together very long, it is possible that the issue is anxiety. In the early days of a fledgling romance, sex is normally so exciting that holding on tends to be much more difficult than letting go. 

However, the nerves some men feel when having sex with a new partner can have the opposite effect. Instead of leaning into the overwhelming sexual sensation, they hold back because they are worried about what their partner is thinking and feeling. 

They can be distracted enough to be unable to achieve orgasm.

In view of the fact this is a relatively new relationship, it is worth giving him a bit more time to get used to having sex with you. As he becomes more relaxed the issue may resolve itself. 

If, however, you make it into a bigger thing, you may unintentionally perpetuate the problem. 

Spending more time engaging in foreplay may help to speed things up once you begin to engage in intercourse. 

If anxiety is the problem, this may break the psychological barrier that is holding him back.

If the situation doesn't improve and you begin to find intercourse uncomfortable, you are going to have to address the issue in a more direct way. 

It's always difficult to identify the right time to talk about something as sensitive as this, but he may welcome the opportunity, because this is likely to have been a problem with other sexual partners too. 

The causes of delayed ejaculation can be psychological or biological, or a mixture, so the best place to start is with a medical check-up to rule out underlying health issues.

If your boyfriend is healthy, the issue is more likely to be psychological. 

Sex therapy or cognitive behavioural therapy are effective treatments, and men report some success with mindfulness and hypnosis. 

The prognosis is good — 70-80% of men see an improvement once they address the issue — but it takes time. 

In the meantime, keep talking and use a good silicone lubricant to prevent discomfort. Consider introducing a vibrator during foreplay; research has found it can help men in your boyfriend's situation.

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