Talk to me: I rarely see my son's family even though we live in the same area 

Psychologist Caroline Martin is here to answer your questions on whatever issues you are dealing with in life, from work pressure and stress to loneliness and grief

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My only son and his wife have two young children and though we live in the same area, I rarely see them. I found her distant from the start but hoped we could become close in time. But we’ve become even more distant, particularly since Covid. I’ve offered to help by babysitting numerous times, but she says there is no need each time. I’m deeply hurt but don’t want to make things worse by confronting her. My son stays in touch but mostly by text. I’m heartbroken.

Irish mammies and their sons are famous for their close relationship and perhaps only Italian mamas can compare. The special bond is captured humorously in the American sitcom,  Everybody Loves Raymond. In the show, Raymond, his wife, Debra and their three young children live across the street from Raymond’s parents, and the comedy ensues. Debra experiences Raymond’s mother as overbearing and critical, resulting in tension between the couple.

Your son is now also a husband and a father. He holds multiple roles that may not always be in harmony with each other. He’s possibly focused on juggling the role of husband and father alongside meeting his employer’s expectations. As your son took on these new roles, you likely cheered him on and shared in his joy, yet with each new role, his relationship with you took on a new shape. There can be a sense of loss and anger when expectations are not realised.

It is possible that you had expectations about your role as mother-in-law and grandmother born out of your own life experiences. Some of what you anticipated may have been conscious, while other expectations may have been subconscious. Regardless, it can be painful to sense our hopes are drifting out of reach. Indeed, you say, you are heartbroken. This wound will require healing.

Take time to reflect on those expectations, and see if you can clearly articulate them. This process can help you be more specific when talking to your son and daughter-in-law. You may need to let go of the less important ones.

While your daughter-in-law may have been part of the family for some time, you have a life-long relationship with your son. I suspect such a relationship can better withstand a courageous conversation. I suggest you start by repairing the bond with your son. Take time to reconnect without judgement. Listen to what is going on in his family’s life, listen for what gives them joy, what brings laughter, not only to the stresses and strains.

Sometimes we focus on the negatives, which can be wrapped up in guilt or shame, and we can feel that we are not doing good enough. When this happens, we can sometimes pull down the shutters and block people out rather than ask for help. You may find more of an open door when you focus on what is good in their lives and seek to amplify this. Offering a reprieve from conversations around laundry, grocery shopping, and homework assignments can be akin to a mental holiday.

Building or rebuilding a strong positive relationship with your daughter-in-law will take time. Over time you can both experience opportunities to rely on each other and build trust. Creating a connection will involve shared moments, so it is helpful to understand what interests her. Get to know her beyond her role as your daughter-in-law, your son’s wife and mother of your grandchildren. Take time to discover her interests, favourite type of music, books, films or plays. If possible, spend time with your daughter-in-law doing an activity she enjoys. Let her know that you see her as a distinct individual and value her unique role in the family.

You don’t need to have the same interests. Demonstrating acceptance and valuing her uniqueness will help your daughter-in-law feel a stronger sense of belonging in the family. Unless you have real concerns, this will also mean you will need to respect her way of doing things in her family. She is far more likely to come to you if she doesn’t fear having to defend her decisions. Remember that we convey far more in our body language and facial expressions than in verbal communication. It can take time to become aware of all that we express non-verbally.

New parents are typically fraught with concern about being a good parent — any sense of criticism (whether real or not) can be too much to bear. She is the mother of your grandchildren and is likely a font of insight and knowledge about their newest passions. Focus on her expertise, ask her to share her wisdom to inform your purchase of a birthday or Christmas gift.

Like you, your daughter-in-law comes with her set of expectations, informed by her life experience. It may take time for trust to build, but if you want her to feel like she can lean on you and confide in you, it will take many microdoses of positive interactions. As my colleague and fellow psychologist, Dr Karen Treisman, says, ‘Every interaction can be an intervention’.

Take care.

• If you have a question for Caroline, please send it to [e-mail]