Sex File: Our bedroom has become a battleground 

If you can separate your sexual relationship from your need for good quality sleep, you will both feel a lot better.

My partner and I are struggling to sleep in the same bed. The ways in which our habits differ are increasing: he gets up much earlier than me, I have a bad back and try to stay in the same position, while he's always thrashing around. I'm always hot, he is always cold. Our bedroom is no longer a sexy place, it's a battleground.

You are absolutely right to address this issue because sleep is hugely important and it sounds as if neither of you is getting enough of it. It might sound extreme, but if you have a spare room (and of course not everybody has one) I think you would both benefit from sleeping apart for a while. Being able to separate your sexual relationship from your bedtime differences will be better for you both.

Although the benefits of sleeping together are myriad, research also shows that when one partner sleeps badly it leads to higher levels of conflict in the relationship. Researchers at the University of California tracked the sleep quality of couples and found that poor sleep made them more negative and less empathic towards each other. We've all been there. In contrast, conflict resolution occurred as soon as both partners had had a good night's sleep.

If you can separate your sexual relationship from your need for good quality sleep, you will both feel a lot better. Time apart will help you to appreciate each other a bit more, and better sleep quality will improve your relationship and help you both to feel less tetchy.

You can obviously still have sex in your own bedroom, but to separate it from what have become troublesome sleep patterns, why not experiment with having sex at different times of day? Alternatively, try other locations. They are not always as comfortable, and they do usually require you to separate the act of sex from the physical intimacy that is integral to the experience when you are snuggled up under a duvet together, but that is not always a bad thing. It's worth noting that a hard surface may be helpful for a bad back. In contrast, the sofa in the sitting room can be almost too soft for sex — a little support is good. The floor, with duvets and pillows, is a better option, particularly if you have a carpet. The stairs are worth considering, depending on your agility.

Many couples find that the bathroom has a lot to offer in terms of sexual activity. As long as you have a nonslip mat, having sex in the shower is a great way to end the day. As I'm sure you know, sex and orgasm trigger the release of endorphins, which play a big role in inducing sleep, and oxytocin, which reduces levels of the stress hormone cortisol. You may not, however, be aware that showering at night is extremely beneficial for restless sleepers like your husband. It interferes with your circadian rhythm by artificially raising your body temperature. The rapid cooling that then occurs when you get out of the shower and dry off fools your body into thinking that it is time for bed, and you can find yourself falling asleep more quickly and having a deeper, more restful night.

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