Talk To Me: I'm worried about my partner who is overweight and drinks 

Psychologist Caroline Martin is here to answer your questions on whatever issues you are dealing with in life, from work pressure and stress to loneliness and grief

#If he hasn’t acted on his fears, then yours may only bring guilt or, even worse, shame.#

My partner is overweight and drinks daily. I’m very worried about his health, as his family has a history of heart disease. He gets defensive whenever I bring up the topic, and says I’m nagging him. We’re both in our early 50s and have two teenage children, and I’m concerned he won’t live to see them grow up. What can I do?

The rituals we create in our relationships can act as a vital life force.

As our lives take over, busy with children, jobs, and bills, these carefully crafted activities can fall by the wayside as more mundane routines take over.

Relationship expert Esther Perel makes this important distinction between rituals and routines, and I wonder if this might offer a lens for considering your situation.

Your partner may have slipped into a pattern of behaviour reminiscent of that played out in his family home as a child. While its familiarity is perhaps comforting to him, it is also subject to judgment from you.

In all likelihood, when you raise your concern about his weight or drinking patterns, you are not telling him anything he does not already know.

His internal self-talk may be quite harsh, and he may experience your comments as nagging or even hurtful.

If he hasn’t acted on his fears, then yours may only bring guilt or, even worse, shame.

Caroline Martin, psychologist. Picture: Moya Nolan

Loving him, however, does not mean you grab a large glass of wine and a tub of ice cream and binge on a TV boxset together.

I suggest a return to the rituals that unite you, rather than alienate you. Consider activities you have enjoyed doing together in the past, whether it is going to the movies, seeing a much-loved band, setting a nice table for dinner without the kids, a game of cards, or building a jigsaw.

The idea is to nourish the bond. Rather than focusing on your husband’s diet and weight which may feel judgmental, maintain an emphasis on the relationship.

Your teenage children are perhaps less in need of constant attention and chaperoning. Rather than reverting to old ways, try to use this time to reconnect as partners.

It may be wise to be mindful of intentionally switching off ‘parent mode’ and turning on ‘partner mode’. Perhaps you could introduce new rituals that prompt this transition.

For example, head out for a walk without phones so that you can be fully present for one another.

When we come together with an agreed goal to nurture the relationship first and foremost, we can begin to look at the activities that serve that goal. Instead of morning coffee standing at the kitchen counter, suggest going to your favourite coffee place, or bring your travel mug, and go for a walk.

When we feel empowered to act and experience success, we tend to have an increased sense of our ability to embrace new behaviours. This approach is not to distract from your concerns about your husband’s health, but will help create a safe environment where change is more likely to occur.

Ireland is estimated to have the highest rates of obesity in the EU, and it’s projected that 43% of our population will meet the criteria for obesity by 2025.

Your fears are likely to be shared by many and ought not to be disregarded. Fear and worry can stop us from being present with our loved ones. One way we combat fear is through connection, to allow ourselves to trust in the other person, and as Esther Perel says, ‘the more we trust, the farther we are able to venture’.

Before you and your partner can venture to embrace new healthy patterns of behaviour, you must first tend to the relationship’s health.

It is wise to build rituals that honour your own needs for self-care. I would suggest you start journalling, specifically, gratitude journals can serve as a daily prompt to note all that is joyful in your life.

These journals can also be a useful aide-memoir on days that throw more than their fair share of obstacles at you. There are several journalling apps you can choose from to fit your lifestyle. Plan to intentionally do one thing each day that will bring you joy.

While I have suggested you start with a focus on the partnership to strengthen this bond, you can include your children too. In doing so, you are inviting them to co-create new rituals and intentionally engage in activities that value health and healthy relationships.

Strong healthy relationships play a protective role and can strengthen our immune system, reduce stress and risk of heart disease. Your relationship is the prescription.

Take care.

• If you have a question for Caroline, please email it to [e-mail]