Talk to me: my partner says he's not sure he wants to be a dad

Psychologist Caroline Martin is here to answer your questions on whatever issues you are dealing with in life, from work pressure and stress to loneliness and grief

I'd love to start a family but my partner says he's not sure he wants to be a dad. Every time I bring up the topic, he says he needs more time or that I'm putting him under pressure

I'm in my mid-30s and in a long-term relationship. We both are working and have managed to buy a house.

I'd love to start a family but my partner says he's not sure he wants to be a dad. Every time I bring up the topic, he says he needs more time or that I'm putting him under pressure.

I'm worried I'll run out of time. Being a mother is important to me. What would you suggest?

“I am your father,” the now immortal words of Darth Vadar hung in the air and the gravitas of this relationship crystallised for many. Becoming a parent is possibly the most serious decision we can make. Unlike the other roles we take up in our early adulthood, such as partner, employee, homeowner, this role is one we all have a particular relationship to and personal experience of.

I will assume you have previously discussed having a family together, and there was at least broad agreement to have a family to call your own. It seems that you have made a conscious decision to create the favourable foundations — building a committed relationship and managing to buy a house. These achievements are considerable and possibly a period of enjoying the spoils of your efforts is prudent.

Sometimes we can get carried away with the pace of trying to complete formal education, get a job, see the world, meet a life partner, buy a home and settle down

Often in our 20s and 30s we are consumed with a sense of pressure to meet prescribed societal targets; complete formal education, get a job, see the world, meet a life partner, buy a home, settle down and have a baby. Sometimes, we get carried away with the pace of this and forget to come up for air. It is possible your partner needs to do just that; indeed, it is possible you would equally benefit from a pause to recalibrate and realign with him.

As a woman in your 30s, I can appreciate your circumstances, the idea of a hiatus may leave you feeling queasy to your stomach or with a tightness in your chest. It is important that you mind yourself and use this time wisely.

There are lots of support groups and websites offering women guidance on preparing for motherhood. You may also benefit from building a good relationship with your GP.

I'm worried I'll run out of time. Being a mother is important to me. What would you suggest?

If your partner’s ambivalence around becoming a father continues, I would encourage you to engage the support of a therapist, someone who can offer you a safe space to tease out what this means for you. Often our families and friends are themselves emotionally tied to this decision and this can make such a personal choice hard to navigate.

It might become important to consider ending this relationship as sacrificing motherhood would be too much. On the other hand, you may conclude that the relationship you enjoy with your partner is core to a fulfilled life and that terminating this bond is an intolerable choice.

With so much emotion, time and finances already invested in this partnership, it may be wise to consider whether the 'sunk cost fallacy' is a driving factor. Entering into parenthood with someone simply by virtue of the time you’ve already spent together and the achievements you’ve shared is like failing to allow for changing water levels around your foundation. The cracks are going to show up.

There are many reasons why your partner may be feeling ambivalent about the idea of becoming a father. The fear that he may end up more Darth Vadar and less Atticus Finch is enough to put the brakes on.

In recent weeks the barrage of commentary on what it means to be a parent beyond pregnancy has been played out in the media as we witnessed the overturning of Roe V Wade in the US. Parenthood is undoubtedly high stakes and your partner may be consciously or subconsciously reasonably anxious.

Talking about the idea of having a family is quite different to deciding to begin that process. Now that the foundations have been laid, your partner may be confronting some old ghosts from his childhood. He may have good reason to become hesitant, anxious or sad. Despite the apparent recent progress, the stereotype of male provider and protector is still dominant. The weight of this obligation, on the heels of securing a home may be too much at this particular point in time.

While you may have spent considerable time contemplating becoming pregnant and embrace the inherent changes to your body and lifestyle, your partner may be anxious about losing you to this other entity, losing your 'couple-ness'. Being curious about his lack of certainty may allow him to acknowledge and articulate some of these worries. Spending time with friends who have children can be an education. Like you, he may find it useful to explore some of those internal narratives with a therapist or a non-judgemental friend to see which messages are supporting him and which storylines are blocking him achieving his goals.

I would encourage both of you to talk things through together and with others as this clarifies what is driving and what is impeding a decision. Once these drivers and obstacles are shared and understood by you both, you can determine if you want to call time on the relationship or start preparing to become a family.

Take good care.

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