Sex File: I'm confused after making love with my ex-husband

People choose to have sex with an ex for all sorts of reasons.

I recently had sex with my ex-husband. We divorced a couple of years ago and I definitely don't want to get back together, but it has left me confused because the sex was good. We co-parent amicably and I don't want to rock the boat. Does this sort of thing happen often?

It happens a lot more than anyone is willing to admit. Ten years ago the researcher Ashley Mason at the University of Arizona conducted a study of divorced men and found that nearly a quarter of them had had sex with their ex-spouse in the previous four months. Intuitively this sounds like a bad idea. After all, if you keep going backwards you can't move forwards. However, in 2019 researcher Stephanie Spielmann at Wayne State University examined what happens when couples who split carry on having sex with each other - but don't carry on the relationship part of it.

Surprisingly, her research suggests that having sex with your ex isn't necessarily a barrier to moving on. In the first part of her study she analysed the daily experiences of people who had recently been through a break-up and found that having sex with their ex seemed to help rather than hinder their psychological adjustment. She then conducted a second study and found that people who were struggling to adjust sought out sex with their ex as a way of fostering closeness and connection. But this did not seem to leave them distressed. In fact, it left them feeling much more positive in everyday life and didn't stand in the way of their recovery from the break-up.

People choose to have sex with an ex for all sorts of reasons. Obviously, the sex is one reason, but it is also a way of finding comfort at a time of uncertainty. Most people go into divorce with no guarantee of what the future holds. The fear that what lies ahead might be worse than what went before is precisely what stops people leaving bad marriages. They spend years with one foot in and one foot out, and when they finally make the split there is a temptation to cling on to something that feels familiar, regardless of whether it was good for them.

Obviously when two people have been through an acrimonious divorce, there is little chance of them ever having sex with each other again. However, if you can manage a civilised break-up, there is always going to be a frisson of sexual possibility. After all you have shared a life, you know each other intimately and you've had a lot of sex with each other before.

Professor Gurit Birnbaum and professor of psychology Eli Finkel explain this phenomenon as a state of "fiery limbo". Both partners retain some attraction to each other but they are no longer together so the possibility of sex is spiced by a combination of reduced access and uncertainty around the relationship. Divorce adds a certain piquancy - it creates a unique mix of novelty, familiarity and anxiety. However, Birnbaum and Finkel neglect to mention that the state of fiery limbo is rapidly extinguished as soon as one partner terminates the connection and forms another relationship. At that point the person who is left behind realises why sex with your ex is never a good idea.

It is also not a good idea if you have children. Divorce is emotionally challenging for children and afterwards, only the very young would fail to notice continuing intimacy between their parents. Giving children false hopes about a possible reunion is unfair because the chance of it happening is remote and so they go through the pain of parental breakdown twice. The same may be true for you.

If some part of you is now questioning whether the divorce was the right decision, you need to be honest with yourself about your motivations. Remind yourself of why you divorced in the first place. Breaking up once is tough. Breaking up twice is foolish.

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