Colman Noctor: How to parent when your child is a deep thinker 

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“Dad, does a duck know it’s a duck?’ When I heard my son asking this when he was about four years of age, my silent response was, ‘uh oh’.

It was a red flag, showing a tendency for ‘deep thinking’. Although part of me believes there is a great advantage in being reflective, it is also a heavy burden.

Working with children and teenagers over the past two decades has taught me that sometimes being more analytical than the average child can be a difficult cross to bear. These children do not enjoy the benefits of ‘ignorance is bliss’ but instead are destined to consider circumstances well beyond the scope of their years intensely.

A large proportion of the young people who have attended my therapy room over the years would be described as ‘over-thinkers’. This inclination to be analytical or labour over certain aspects of life can leave them at risk of experiencing anxiety. I have countless examples of young people who could be described as ‘persecuted philosophers’ who appear to delve into existential questions very early in their lives. This can extend to equally intense involvement with their peers. These young people can get overwhelmed by family circumstances their peers are experiencing, become deeply upset by the perceived mistreatment of others in their class or become consumed by contemporary social responsibilities, such as climate change, the pandemic and global conflicts.

I would like to believe that childhood and adolescence are associated with being ‘carefree’. But for some young people, the burden of deep thinking is accompanied by a sense of responsibility, like trying to support a peer who may be having difficulties at home or struggling with their mood, which can weigh heavily on young, underdeveloped minds.

Tuning in to others

Traditionally we tend to conflate the concepts of being ‘deep’ or ‘sensitive’ with being ‘soft’, which I believe is unfair. The tendency to think deeply about something does not mean you are any less robust than your peers. Instead, it means that you engage with everyday events at a deeper emotional level. In some ways, this is representative of the child’s emotional receptivity, but at times their emotional antenna is overly ‘tuned in’. This sensitivity can lead to overwhelm because their emotional receptivity does not match their emotional maturity. The cost of emotional depth is worry - when children over-think things, they can gravitate toward the more negative or fearful thoughts.

Some of this deep thinking in childhood is considered to be developmentally appropriate. It would not be unusual for a child aged between six and nine years to become acutely aware of death. This is often expressed through a fear of dying or someone else dying. This fear can rear its head at night-time before sleep.

During these years, as they attempt to understand the concept of ‘permanency’, some children consider that things may not last forever and begin to think about what life might look like after losing a close family member. This is too big an issue for them to think about directly or resolve emotionally, so it can manifest itself through ongoing fears of death and dying. These expressions serve as a way of getting regular reassurance from the adults around them that things are OK, key people will not leave, and nothing is changing. For most children, this reassurance is enough and after a short period, the fear dissipates, but others may cling onto these anxieties for a while longer.

Deep thinking children can seek ways to control or ‘plan’ their way out of anxiety and as a result, perfectionism can become the coping strategy of choice. However, other children approach the uncertainty of the future differently, where the ‘ostrich approach’ is the strategy of choice. These children try to disconnect from inevitable realities and limit discussions around them.

Finding the right balance

The lens through which we see the world is important to how we approach various situations. But there is no right way to approach life. Some might say that the more superficial approach is preferable, but how meaningful are life experiences without depth? The world needs deep thinkers. However, if meaning becomes all-consuming too early in life, then how do you experience spontaneity or the benefits of true relaxing disconnection?

The ideal is a mix of the two approaches, but the real skill is prioritising which aspects of life require depth and analysis and which do not. If you can master this ability, you will spare yourself the fate of ‘sweating the small stuff’.

My son is a typical eldest child who is conscientious, thoughtful and a deep thinker. I don't want him to lose his emotional depth. Still, I would like to teach him to harness that quality to spare him the burden of worry or responsibility, especially about the big issues that should not concern him, or the small issues that don’t merit that level of thinking.

So, how do I do this without blunting his curiosity? I don’t want him to stop questioning things. But ideally, I would like to get him to realise what things matter and deserve that level of deep thought versus the issues that do not. Some aspects of life require a degree of rumination and significant thinking, but others do not, and the trick is being aware of the distinction between these two.

To be full of thoughts is to be thoughtful, which I believe to be an absolutely positive quality and I have no doubt that the children and young people who I have met have this tendency and are wonderful friends to those around them. However, sometimes they are not adept at stepping back and parking their thoughtfulness, which can be to the detriment of their own wellbeing. This is commonly seen in teenagers who have a friend with mental health difficulties. The over-involved child can become absorbed in their lives and almost become like the playground therapist. The pervasive impact of ‘always on’ technology can result in the young person providing an unofficial 24-hour support hotline for their friend and quickly becoming overburdened by it.

In these instances, it is crucial to teach the young person the importance of boundaries and how they need to mind themselves in these situations, which can be difficult.

The most important lesson we can teach deeply thoughtful children is that they are responsible to others, but they are not responsible for them. This means that we are all accountable for being a good friend, and supportive. But we are not responsible for the behaviour or choices of others. This boundary is vital for those with a tendency for depth or intensity, especially in relationships. Mastering their sense of boundaries and responsibility is the best way to maintain their thoughtfulness while preparing them to be less overburdened.

So, if you have a ‘deep’ child, it is not about teaching them to be carefree, but teaching them to be careful of their boundaries and limitations. This is not easy and may require some patience and investment of time, and it may never be truly mastered.

I share my son’s proclivity for depth and channelled that tendency into my career. However, even with 25 years of psychotherapeutic experience and seven years of personal therapy, I still find my thoughts diving into the depths and wondering if a duck actually does know it’s a duck. 

• Dr Colman Noctor is a child psychotherapist