Sex File: Our love life has suffered since we started sleeping separately
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Sleeping in the same bed, and the physical closeness that it brings, is an important part of your bond as a couple. It also increases the opportunities for spontaneous sex. Sleeping together helps couples to maintain their sexual connection - so yes, it's important. But so is getting a good night's sleep, and a lot of us are really struggling to do that. In a 2017 report, the UK-based Sleep Council found that more than 35% of people had been suffering from sleep problems for more than five years. One in four participants blamed their sleep problems on partner disturbance. Lots of people think that sleeping in separate bedrooms is something that only older couples do, but that's really not the case. The same report found that 24% of couples sleep separately some of the time, and 12% do so all the time. For many people, like you, sleeping separately is a purely practical arrangement. It doesn't mean they don't like each other, or that the marriage is in trouble. It simply means that they can't get a good night's sleep in the same bed.
Research by Professor Robert Meadows at the University of Surrey, which was conducted in 2009, confirmed that when two people sleep together, their sleep-wake patterns are generally synchronised. So if one person is snoring, duvet hogging, tossing and turning, sleep talking or wide awake and staring at the ceiling, it is very difficult for their partner to sleep soundly. That is not just bad for your health, it can also have a negative effect on your relationship. Recently published research by clinical psychologist Heather Gunn at the University of Alabama found that couples who had poor sleep quality had more arguments the next day.
There is a lot of stigma around sleeping separately, but whatever works for you both is the right thing to do. Sex doesn't have to happen at night - or even in bed. So take the opportunity to be creative about your sex life. If you're working from home some of the time, have sex in the middle of the day - either in bed or somewhere else in the house. If you're both getting ready to go out, join him in the shower. If you prefer having sex in bed, there is nothing to stop you and your husband going to bed together, making love and then sleeping separately. Alternatively, you could take turns slipping into each other's rooms in the morning and that way it will feel as if you are waking up together. The other option is to spend one or two nights a week sleeping in the same bed on the understanding that you can catch up with your sleep on the nights that you sleep apart. Mixing it up like that will give you the best of both worlds.
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