Colman Noctor: Focus on what your kids need, not on what they want

Being the unpopular parent and setting limits is often the most loving way to raise your child

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I grew up in the 1980s and I have no memory of my father ever telling me that he loved me. But that never bothered me because I knew that he loved me without him ever uttering the words. It was largely accepted at the time that PDAs (public displays of affection or even private displays of affection) were ‘not the done thing’, but our relationship was a solid one, and I was lucky to know that if I ever needed any help, he would be there for me.

I tell my children I love them a couple of times a day, and it has almost become automatic and ritualistic. When they head off to school, as I head off to work, at bedtime and at the end of a phone call, I say, ‘I love you’. Does the frequency of expressions of love impact how ‘loved’ children feel? My guess is that if someone is never told something explicitly, there is a chance they will doubt its existence. But if something is repeated multiple times a day, does it become diluted or devalued? It’s hard to know, but given my experience as a child, I would argue that ‘actions speak louder than words’.

What is the measurement of the love we have for our children? Is it the level of harmony in the relationship, or the success of our children’s lives or the number of Insta-worthy moments we can share on social media? When we compare ourselves to the families that are going on hill walks, baking scones or having another professional photoshoot, we can feel we are not doing as well as other parents.

In my clinical work, issues of ‘favouritism’, ‘invisibility’ and ‘attention’ are commonplace. These discussions have taught me that the metrics with which children and parents measure ‘love’ may be very different.

Love bombing 

 A popular article written in 2012 by British psychologist Oliver James discussed ‘love bombing’ children. This concept suggests if a child is acting out or difficult, an effective way of managing this behaviour is to shower them with love instead of sanctions. James describes cases of taking the child away to a hotel over night and allowing them to decide how or what they want to do with their time with you. He distinguishes ‘love bombing’ from what traditionally might be seen as ‘quality time’ because this process purports to give the child a sense of control over their time with their parent/ parents, which he hypothesises could be at the heart of the acting out behaviours.

While I see where James is coming from, in terms of the futility of sanctions, the concept of ‘love bombing’ seems excessive as an everyday intervention. Love bombing is not a real-world solution, especially if you have quite a few children or limited financial or time resources. That said, I would endorse his principle of ‘giving children what they need, rather than what they deserve’. Acting-out behaviours are often manifestations of anxiety, so responding punitively or becoming a hard-line disciplinarian will not help. Ruling by fear promotes compliance, but it does nothing to encourage understanding between the parent and child.

It is OK to express your displeasure at your child’s behaviour within reason. I think an awareness of consequences for misbehaviour is a crucial aspect of parenting that promotes learning, creates a sense of responsibility and contributes significantly to the evolution of the self.

Some experts say parents should never raise their voice to their child and are critical of approaches that involve discipline or sanctioning of children. But to never raise your voice to your child and never to initiate sanctions is neither possible nor helpful. If a child does not know how their behaviour impacts other people, how will they develop the ability to take responsibility for their misbehaviour?

Being a loving parent is not measured by the agreeableness of your relationships with your children. Some people believe that ‘getting on like friends’ is a measure of the parent’s child-rearing skillset. But nothing could be further from the truth. On many occasions being the unpopular parent and setting limits and boundaries is the most loving way to raise your child. Being a loving parent also involves giving a child ‘what they need instead of what they want’. Adopting this firm approach will inevitably lead to conflict and disagreement at times but it will also foster mutual respect, a hugely under-valued component of love.

We don’t disagree with those close to us because we don’t love them. Disagreement can be proof of love. The fact that you would engage in disagreement means that the relationship is important and worth fighting for.

Teenage angst

 Often parents of teens complain that their teenager is constantly arguing and seems more hostile to them than anyone else. Many believe this dynamic points to a problematic relationship. But, the opposite could be true. Teenagers need to express their voice and desires, which are typically different to their parents. Teenagers need to be teenagers, they don’t want to be like their parents, and that’s how it should be.

I see teenager and parent disagreement as a sign of the health of the relationship as opposed to a limitation of it. Bargaining for autonomy and the ability to use their voice to achieve their independence is a good thing. An important aspect of this dynamic is getting your teenager to distinguish between being listened to and agreed with. This distinction is crucial to a loving relationship. We need to feel listened to, but we do not always need others to agree with us.

For any parent struggling with a contentious relationship with their teen, take solace in the fact that we all tend to take our frustrations out on those closest to us. We do it because we know they love us enough to withstand our irritability and, most importantly, we know that they will not leave or discard us, even if we are far from perfect all the time.

At the deepest level, this is what your teen is saying: You don’t have to agree with me but you do have to care for me; you don’t have to understand me but you do have to listen to me; you don’t need to fix me but must acknowledge how hard it is to feel broken.

This trust and belief in the strength of feelings between two people, especially parent and child, is the epitome of love. If you feel you are in the minority and are the unpopular parent when it comes to sticking to the boundaries, time may prove that you were right.