Colman Noctor: Focus on what your kids need, not on what they want

Being the unpopular parent and setting limits is often the most loving way to raise your child

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I grew up in the 1980s and I have no memory of my father ever telling me that he loved me. But that never bothered me because I knew that he loved me without him ever uttering the words. It was largely accepted at the time that PDAs (public displays of affection or even private displays of affection) were ‘not the done thing’, but our relationship was a solid one, and I was lucky to know that if I ever needed any help, he would be there for me.

I tell my children I love them a couple of times a day, and it has almost become automatic and ritualistic. When they head off to school, as I head off to work, at bedtime and at the end of a phone call, I say, ‘I love you’. Does the frequency of expressions of love impact how ‘loved’ children feel? My guess is that if someone is never told something explicitly, there is a chance they will doubt its existence. But if something is repeated multiple times a day, does it become diluted or devalued? It’s hard to know, but given my experience as a child, I would argue that ‘actions speak louder than words’.