Colman Noctor: Keeping the peace during a Covid Christmas

Tempers can flare when families get together to celebrate the festive season. We need to show compassion to each other 

Picture: iStock

The words of Judy Garland’s famous Christmas song needs a few amendments to chime with the times we are living in. “Faithful friends who are dear to us (and vaccinated), gather near to us (within two metres) once more. Through the years, we'll (hopefully) always be together. If the fates (and public health) allow”. 

Entertaining family members over Christmas has always been a stressful event, but it's even more complex with the new Covid restrictions in place. Working out the permitted number of people from various households means extra considerations need to go into the planning. This is not made any easier by confusing terms like ‘guidance’ and ‘mandatory’, not to mention the divisive issue of the vaccination status of your guests.

Opinions and views on vaccines and social distancing will vary from those who view the pandemic as ‘blown out of proportion’ and ‘much ado about nothing’ to those who are hyper-vigilant about catching Covid. This means your family home can become the meeting point for huggers and sanitisers which could be a recipe for awkwardness and potential conflict.

Numerous issues have historically divided our nation, and Christmas family gatherings often bring these debates to light. These contentious topics have ranged from civil war politics, attitudes towards divorce, the eighth amendment, and let’s not forget the incident involving a certain someone in Saipan in 2000. These complex subjects can lead to polarised views, creating inevitable tension. Add in the combination of adult children being at home for prolonged periods, the mixing of in-laws/outlaws and alcohol and you have got a recipe for familial conflict.

Managing family tensions

 So what do you do if you are hosting family this Christmas and your guest list includes Uncle Sean (who’s openly anti-vax and his Twitter handle describes him as an MMA enthusiast’) and Auntie Sorcha, (whose Twitter handle includes an image of her wearing a mask and the words: ‘Follow the science’)? This year's Christmas festivities could involve fireworks if these topics are broached, which is highly likely, given that Downing Street Christmas parties and Covid are the main talking points.

So how do you manage such tensions? Should you signpost the issues and ask anyone due to attend, to moderate their political stance for the day for the sake of a peaceful Christmas? Or do you pray that the alcohol consumption remains low enough to maintain the peace?

There is a risk you will ‘over-egg the pudding’ if you make too much of an issue about something before it even happens, or, if you take the ostrich approach, the lack of preparation could leave you unprepared for an interpersonal explosion. A family Christmas gathering is a lottery, and it is almost impossible to know which approach works best until after the event.

The numerous examples of heightened aggravation in recent news stories suggest there is a general atmosphere of annoyance and hostility in Irish society at the moment. These events range from anti-social incidents to aggressive scenes at children’s sporting events, including the numerous marches and protests. Anecdotal reports suggest an increase in the incidents of abuse and mistreatment of frontline healthcare workers, including those working in vaccination and Covid test centres.

I believe a cocktail of emotions contributes to this recent pandemic of agitation. For 22 months, we have been promised a series of false dawns, from being asked to ‘winter through this’, to put our ‘shoulders to the wheel’, to ‘don the green jersey’ and more recently ‘take one for the team’. There is a point where these requests stop having a unifying effect and instead lead to frustration.

Many of us clung to the vaccine rollout as a way out of the pandemic, with the promise of October 22 being our ‘freedom day’. But this was not to be.

We have all been collectively disappointed, whether we blame Omicron, primary school children or waning vaccine efficiency.

Disappointment is often easier to express as anger or frustration, and it's convenient if we can direct this toward someone or something we hold accountable.

Individual responsibility 

The frustration has left a psychological, emotional and social mark. There is a need to blame the people we assume must be responsible. Having no one within our reach to blame, we will take it out on those within proximity. And so, we will focus on those we believe are supportive of the political figures we charge with, causing our frustration. In these situations, tempers get frayed, and the anger is taken out on those who are accessible.

To borrow a line from our Government, it comes down to ‘individual responsibility’. I would urge everyone to acknowledge the past year's stress and pent-up frustration and realise this is not Auntie Sorcha or Uncle Sean’s fault. We need to have enough self-awareness to know our emotions can be displaced, fighting the wrong fight with the wrong people.

This year more than ever, we need to exercise compassion and understanding. And we must prioritise our children. They have not been immune to the frustrations and disappointments of the last 22 months and look to the adults in the room for guidance, direction, and containment. We all must embrace a sense of maturity and wisdom and be the beacon of hope our children need us to be.

Despite being bombarded by multi-media, the most influential value system on children remains their family. This Christmas, embrace that responsibility, becoming the adults our children need us to be.

Every year when my sisters and I would ask our mother: ‘What would you like for Christmas?', she would reply: ‘All I want is for you all to just get along’. With this in mind, let’s simply try to ‘get along’  — we are, truly, all in this together.