Derval O'Rourke: Expert tips on navigating grief at Christmas

Losing loved ones can make the festive season especially difficult 

Remember you don’t have to process your grief at any pace but your own

I love this time of year, especially since having children myself. The build-up to the main man himself arriving on Christmas Eve is palpable. I am also very aware that this can be such a difficult time for so many of us. Losing loved ones can make special dates difficult.

Dr Lisa O’Rourke Scott is a Chartered Psychologist who lectures and is also Chair of Limerick Mental Health Association. She has some great insights and advice on managing bereavement at Christmas time. Dr Lisa was kind enough to contribute to this week's column.

Christmas is generally regarded as a time for family to be together and for people to reconnect with loved ones. Images abound of happy smiling families, planning for homecoming, gifts, presents, fun activities and special meals. Popular representations are often unrealistic and idealised. Nevertheless, they seem like something to which we should aspire. This can make Christmas difficult and stressful for anyone who is grieving. In addition to the usual pressures of the season, bereaved people are likely to be experiencing a substantial change in how they negotiate the absence of a loved one. I want to make four suggestions for managing grief at Christmas, but I want to preface it with this:

You are allowed and entitled to grieve and be sad and you don’t have to process your grief at any pace but your own.

With this in mind, the following suggestions might help:

Take stock of your feelings – it’s helpful to acknowledge your complicated feelings to yourself in the first instance. Some people who are bereaved feel guilty for feeling sad in case they spoil the enjoyment of those around them. At the same time any experiences of joy and happiness over the holidays can also cause guilt because they are seen as a betrayal of a lost loved one.

Talk to others – Communicating the complexity of your feelings to trusted people you will spend time with during the Christmas period is good for you and for them. Naming the issue can make everyone more comfortable – they know you are bereaved so you don’t have to pretend. But also, by saying things out loud to someone, you will validate and clarify your feelings to yourself.

Make a plan – think about what will allow you to manage your grief over the season. Time with people, time alone, going for walks, some self-care activities might all play a part in your plan. Make your plan open and flexible so that you can respond to unexpected feelings as they arise. You might find that you unexpectedly want some alone time or that you suddenly feel it would be quite nice to participate in something new – give yourself permission to deviate from it. The plan is to help you. It should not be a burden.

Remembering and traditions – Think about what you want to keep and what you want to change. You might want to incorporate new traditions that acknowledge your loss; a special photograph in a prominent place for the season for example. Or you might want to change things to avoid rituals that are too painful. Is there something that you always wanted to do at Christmas and never got around to? Maybe now is a good time to try that … or maybe next year.

Above all when grieving remember to be gentle with yourself. Grief is a process of adjustment and different people manage it in different ways.

Wellness Tip: Phone a Friend - Now, more than ever, we need to reach out and connect. I always feel better after spending some time with friends, even if it’s just a phone call.

Movement of the week: Stretch and Go - In a seated position, place your feet hip-width apart. Taking a deep breath in through the nose, bring your head back. As you breathe out, bring the head slowly back. Interlock your hands in front of you and as you take a deep breath in, bring the hands up above your head. As you breathe out, bring them back down. Some small stretches before you start the day can really benefit your posture.

Ratatouille

recipe by:Derval O'Rourke

This side dish is healthy and super delicious

Servings

3

Preparation Time

 15 mins

Cooking Time

 35 mins

Total Time

 50 mins

Course

 Side

Ingredients

• 6 red peppers, roughly diced

• 4 green peppers, roughly diced

• 1 large onion, roughly diced

• 2 courgettes, roughly diced

• 2 aubergines, roughly diced

• 2 cloves of garlic, crushed

• 4 plum tomatoes, blanched briefly and skinned, de-seeded and diced

• Tsp tomato paste

• 2 sprigs thyme

• 1 bay leaf

• Olive oil

• Salt and pepper

•  

Method

1. Heat the olive oil in a non-stick pan. Pan fry the courgettes, onions, peppers and aubergines until golden in colour, placing in a colander to drain once done.

2. Leave to drain for 10 minutes, then put all the ingredients into a heavy-based saucepan or casserole dish.

3. Season well with salt and pepper and bring up to a simmer, stirring occasionally to avoid burning.

4. Lower the heat, cover with a lid and cook for 25 minutes or until all the vegetables are soft.