Richard Hogan: How to get through the first Christmas after the death of a loved one

Christmas can be hard, especially if you're grieving, here's how to manage this year

Richard Hogan: We often put ourselves under incredible pressure to make the Christmas special or as normal as possible, and perhaps what we should be doing is allowing ourselves the space to grieve.

The holiday season can be a magical time of year. Children excited about the arrival of Santa, families walking around taking in the festive feeling, while songs blast out how happy we all are.

However, it can also be a time of sorrow, particularly if you lost a loved one this year.

Grief is difficult to experience at any time, and we all experience it throughout our lives, but grieving can become more pronounced during the holiday season. For many, this will be their first Christmas without that special loved one to share it with.

That emptiness can become intolerable for all the same reasons why the season is magical — it’s about family and being close to loved ones. Those sentiments can massively illuminate the hole that is in our lives after a death.

If this is going to be that difficult first Christmas with an empty space at the table, it is important to manage your expectations of what this Christmas will be like. We often put ourselves under incredible pressure to make the Christmas special or as normal as possible, and perhaps what we should be doing is allowing ourselves the space to grieve.

Grieving is a process, and to deny it only ensures the process is protracted and heightened. Try not to get caught up in desperately avoiding your feelings. Instead, allow yourself the time to express what you are feeling.

Keeping a journal of your feelings is always a helpful way to order your thoughts. It can also help you to stop ruminating because, when we write something down, it puts a structure on how we are feeling. This is healthy.

I often meet clients in my clinic at this time of year who have lost their partner and want to have a quiet Christmas. However, their children are insisting they join their family so as to not be alone during the holiday. Of course, this comes from a very good intention; they don’t want their parent to be on their own over the holiday. However, it is important to listen to the person who is grieving and respect their wishes.

We can often ignore the wishes of someone who is experiencing loss because we believe we know what is best for them, and I regularly see the pressure this places on the person who is grieving. They don’t want to offend their children or friends, but they also don’t want the fuss around them and they’d rather be in a quiet space to reflect on what has happened.

I often meet the same client in January and they nearly always say the same thing — they are relieved that they have got through their first Christmas after a loss. The lightness I see is remarkable. Understanding that it will be all over soon is a helpful tool when it becomes a little too painful to tolerate.

It is vitally important that you realise that this will be a different Christmas. When we desperately try to control something that is out of our control, it causes huge suffering. If you have lost someone this year, it will be a year of firsts; first birthday without them, first anniversary, and now you’re approaching your first Christmas. Try not to put pressure on yourself, watch your expectations. Allow yourself to grieve and for it to be a different Christmas. Also, give people the permission to say the wrong thing. In my experience, a huge source of conflict over the holiday is caused by someone saying the wrong thing or saying something that sounds insensitive.

Human beings are generally not very good with death talk and that anxiety often causes us to say the wrong thing or be a little clumsy in our expression of care. If you hear it, give the person the benefit of the doubt and put it down to their inability to express exactly what they want to say.

A client recently told me that it really annoyed them when his son-in-law spoke about his wife’s death as “passing”. He said he lost his temper when his son-in-law said: “You’ll get over your wife’s passing with time.” He shouted back: “She hasn’t ‘passed’. She is dead and I won’t simply get over it.”

These types of interactions cause huge upset for everyone. How we offer support to someone grieving is important. Simply saying, ‘I’m so sorry for your loss. If there is anything I can do, please ask me’, will be better received than our futile attempts at understanding their pain.

This holiday period will be over soon and you will have managed it. Try to find a moment to enjoy something your loved one would have wanted you to enjoy.

The year of firsts is coming to an end. You will always have them with you, and you were lucky to have each other for however long it was. Our lives are short and, if we find someone to share it with, how lucky are we. They would have wanted you to thrive. Dedicate the year ahead to fulfilling their wish.