Dear Louise: I have many severed friendships, is it a good idea to reconnect with a couple?

Severed friendships, compromise and avoidant behaviour — can relationships be salvaged?

"No matter what happens, you have learned so much about yourself through this experience."

Dear Louise, I have a more extensive friend graveyard than most. It's very much related to my avoidant post-conflict nature. I've been in with my doctor and worked through a whole load of the childhood trauma-induced cycles that have led to this kind of cut-them-out behaviour.  Mostly though, a lot of these severed friendships actually freed me and were rooted in my compromising myself for the sake of a friendship till I couldn't any more. 90% of these people I didn't even think about, let alone miss.  But recently I've been dreaming about a couple I used to be very close with. We fell out because in a group setting, a third-party mutual friend of ours shouted at me and I had a PTSD flashback panic attack. Basically, I felt that no one helped or cared. So, I avoided the whole group for an extended period of time, somewhat unfairly, but I wasn’t yet in a place where I could feel safe with these people. Instead, I went hell for leather with another group of friends and plastered it on social media as a way of pretending I was thriving. A way of lying to myself — and I'm sure to them, though that was never the thought at the forefront of my mind. We had a massive WhatsApp Facebook chat fall-out as a result with everyone blocked all over the place. Which, considering we were between 26 and 32, was very much immature, but it is what happened. And we all moved on. Now here I am, four years later, having dreams about them almost constantly even though I live abroad now. I've tried writing out my feelings, I've tried telling my Significant Other about them (they never met). I've no shrink at the moment to puzzle it out with, and although other friends say to just reach out, I actually dunno how or what to say. Can you help?

I love when I get a letter from someone who is very clearly doing the work. Even if you hadn’t mentioned your ‘shrink’, as you put it, I would have known from the language you’ve used that you have been actively engaged in therapy. A quick explainer for other readers — being conflict avoidant can often be a form of people-pleasing, in which expressing ourselves in an honest, healthy way seems either terrifying or deeply uncomfortable.

Instead of standing up for yourselves and owning our anger, we might choose instead to go silent, to withdraw, or to cut people out of our lives altogether. Your awareness of your post-conflict avoidant style — and how that relates to your childhood trauma — is a good thing, and shows how helpful working with a good therapist can be. Knowledge is power; if we’re not consciousness of our behavioural patterns, we can’t change them.

I’m sorry that you had a panic attack at that party. That must have been so upsetting for you. I’m curious, did these friends know about your PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) at the time? From your letter, I get the impression they did not and were subsequently confused by your decision to freeze them out. But four years is a very long time — I’m sure everyone involved has matured since then, and any hurt or angry feelings have subsided.

When we react in certain ways because of our trauma, it may not seem rational to other people, but it is still a valid reason for our behaviour. If you decide to reach out to these friends — and I very much think you should — would you feel safe enough now to explain that you pushed them away because you were dealing with PTSD? You might have to open up about how you felt at that party, that you felt as if no one cared enough to help you when a mutual third-party began to shout at you. 

Your former friends might deny this — it’s incredible how different memories of the same event can be — but it’s important for you to express the truth of how you felt at the time. You will have to be honest, too, about using social media as a way of pretending to have found new, better friends, presenting a false image online to hurt their feelings in return. 

Radical honesty is required here and while I’m not saying that will be easy, I do think it’s necessary. 

If you have been literally dreaming about these people, your subconscious is trying to tell you something! 

Christmas is approaching, which strikes me as the perfect time to reach out. Send them a letter or a Christmas card, telling them how much you have missed their friendship. I have a feeling that they are probably also mortified by the memory of the Whatsapp drama and will be eager to hear from you. 

If they shut you down — I would be surprised if they did but we have to be prepared for such eventualities when making ourselves vulnerable — then you, in turn, will have to make peace with the fact that they were not the friends you imagined them to be. But at least you will know the truth then, and you won’t have to live with regret, all the imagined ‘what ifs’, the paths not taken, etc. 

And no matter what happens, you have learned so much about yourself through this experience. In the pain of losing these friendships, that might not feel like very much but I promise you, it is. Keep doing the work.

Keep reaching for your own peace and healing. You should be so proud of the progress you’ve made.

• Louise always recommends speaking with a professional for more support. If you have a question that you would like answered, email [e-mail]