Richard Hogan: What to do when your boss is a bully

When bosses bully: Our work is designed to supplement the private life we live with our family and friends. But, when we are targeted by an employer the impact of that experience can be pervasive as it can spread out into all areas of our life.

Over the last number of weeks, I have been writing about the experience of bullying. I talked about how parents can support their child who is being targeted by others, I explored what to do if your child is the bully and also how to deal with bullies in work. I have been inundated with emails from people who have been bullied. I have been particularly struck by the number of emails I received from people who have had such a negative experience in work. 

It seems that, despite such moves to draft policies in work to prevent bullying, it is still a huge issue for many people. As I said last week, everyone has the right to work in an environment free form harassment and bullying. You are not powerless and the bully is not powerful. It is actually quite the opposite. A bully is an insecure person that needs to make others feel small so that they can have any feeling of adequacy. Generally, a bully sees something in another person that reflects their own insecurities and so they target that person. So, it’s about them, not you. Once you realise this it can shift how you think about your colleague or boss. Many emails I received last week asked me to give further advice about managing being bullied by a boss.

Of course, this is a very difficult position to find yourself in. Ultimately, there is more to life than the place you work. Our work is designed to supplement the private life we live with our family and friends. But, when we are targeted by an employer the impact of that experience can be pervasive as it can spread out into all areas of our life.

The first thing you should do is put a boundary around your sacred private space. As much as you can, endeavour not to bring your work home with you. Easier said than done, but just remember work is what we do to pay for our life. 

When you are consumed in your private life with what is happening in work you are being further victimised by your boss. Don’t give them that power. They don’t deserve it. 

Or if you do talk about what is happening with your partner dedicate a certain amount of time to it and then try not to talk about it anymore. 

This way you are validating your experience with your partner but it is not all-consuming. If you find it impossible to boundary your private life from your work experience you should talk to your GP because you might be overwhelmed and talking to a professional might be the outlet you need to process those troubling feelings. Being bullied at any age is an emotionally distressing experience but when you are targeted by a boss it can be particularly disturbing as you feel isolated and trapped. But, remember the bully wants you to feel like that so never play their game. You are not isolated and you are certainly not trapped. You have power in this experience. 

You must speak up about what is happening to you. Document every piece of negative interaction, whether that is being side-lined for promotion, subtle jibes or hurtful comments, make sure you record every piece of evidence. When you go to HR about it record their response also. Just because someone is the boss does not mean they are beyond recrimination. Quite the opposite. 

They should be the ones driving mental health promotion not impacting on it. Before you do anything you should get informed about your rights, Citizens Information or the Irish Human Rights & Equality Commission have information to help you understand your rights with regards to workplace bullying. Being informed about your rights is a very powerful thing. 

An insecure boss who targets employees in such a negative way craves employees to feel vulnerable and powerless. Show them that you know you are not. This, in of itself, might make them think twice about harassing you. Remember the bully is insecure, if they see you are secure and not willing to accept their behaviour it just might make them stop.

Never take abuse in silence. We are in an age where we no longer accept terrible behaviour by those in power. When you stand up to someone you are showing them that you respect yourself. Never allow anyone to take your dignity, boss or otherwise. And in the end, if HR doesn’t do what it should there is always the legal route and making the right decision for your mental health should be paramount in your strategy. 

Ultimately, if you leave the job they have not won. You have removed yourself from a toxic person and safeguarded your own dignity. However, I would never leave without expressing clearly what your experience has been and the impact on your health so that there is historic evidence of this persons behaviour. That just might help the next person this boss targets. 

Not everyone has the skills and personality to lead a team or be a boss. Just because they are the boss doesn’t mean they can act with impunity. 

Empower yourself, speak up.