Colman Noctor: How much is too much when scheduling children’s activities?

From months of inactivity to training three times a week is taking its toll on all my children

Tue, 18 May, 2021 - 12:09

Child psychotherapist Dr Colman Noctor

My six year old is sports mad. Throughout the last lockdown he frequently asked: “When is my rugby back?”, “When is my soccer back?”, “When can I do GAA again?”

Last week, when I told him "Soccer is back on Tuesday, GAA is back on Wednesday, and rugby training is back on Saturday”, he replied, “Wow they are all back together”.

I apprehensively replied "yes", and quickly checked the diary on my phone to work out the logistics of getting to all of these events.

The last fortnight has been hectic from a children’s sporting front, and I can see the impact of it on all of my three children. The joy and tiredness are palpable. From months of inactivity to training three times a week is taking its toll, not only from a fitness perspective but also from a scheduling one.

I was delighted to see children’s sport back - it has had as big an impact on the collective mood of our house as the school reopening did. My eldest lad had not kicked a ball in weeks but to see him out the back this week and to hear the thuds of the ball off the back wall and him practising his goal-scoring celebrations, is music to my ears.

I have always been keen that my children get involved in sports as I have been grateful for what sport has given me. However, as someone who is naturally competitive, I have to remind myself that the purpose of children’s sport is socialising, camaraderie, skill development and fun.

Like most parents, I’d love my children to be good at everything but I have accepted that they won’t be. I am glad that they are not. In my role as a child psychotherapist, I have seen how sport has saved children’s lives and other examples of where it nearly ruined them.

Need to find balance

The last few weeks have been unusual, as the customary ‘sport-specific seasons’ seem to have been abandoned, and everything is back on the table. For example, traditionally the soccer and rugby seasons would have concluded by this time of year, but these sports organisations have taken a decision to return to training for a short period of a few weeks before the season begins in earnest in the autumn. It makes sense. If these sports had been paused for the full year they may well have struggled to get children back to playing them after such a long layoff, and also many sporting organisations are keenly aware that children have gone through a difficult time, cooped up at home without their all-important sports outlet.

But it has brought the overscheduling issue to the fore, which can be a source of ambivalence for many parents. On one hand, most parents are delighted to see the return of activities, which gets our children off the couch and back into a social environment, but on the other hand, the logistics of juggling multiple children in multiple locations at once can be a big challenge.

Over the last year, I have been part of many discussions where parents have seen the benefits of the pandemic slow down. Many parents have reported that they have enjoyed the fact that they are not compelled to rush home in the evenings and head off to various extra-curricular activities, often occupying every weekday evening. What also has been recognised is how this slowdown has benefited their children who were perhaps unintentionally overscheduled and on the verge of burnout.

Many parents have committed to realigning their values, pledging not to return to the pre-pandemic hectic scheduling of children’s activities. However, given the long period of time without any extra-curricular activities, it has been hard to curtail these activities or follow through on that commitment since May 10.

Lifeline for children

So what is the ‘right number’ of activities a child should be involved in? While it depends on the child, I would suggest that in most cases, three at any one time is enough. It also depends on the spirit of the activity and whether there is a fun focus or a performance focus, as too many performance-focused activities run the risk of burnout.

When I hear of a child who is doing multiple extra-curricular activities and I query where in the week they get their ‘down time’. Parents will often say, ‘But he/she wants to do them all’. But self-regulation is not an attribute that children possess in abundance. This is where the parent must intervene and give the child what they need instead of what they want.

I would suggest that your child has experiences of multiple sports or other activities. These can alternate over the year as most activities do not run for the full 12-month cycle. Feasibly your child could do three activities in the winter and another three in the summer and this can change from year to year. This is plenty of time for them to explore different environments and hopefully ‘find their tribe or tribes’.

Alongside the physical benefits of sports, there are also other extracurricular activities that can be a lifeline to children in terms of finding a tribe to enhance their sense of belonging and self-worth. The school environment does not suit all children, and for the ones who perhaps struggle to find their place there, a dance class, scouts, speech and drama, art or music can be a wonderful alternative. The benefit of having a group where children can belong, instead of trying to ‘fit in’, has huge benefits to the overall sense of self-value. The parental investment in finding this suitable space for children is crucially important and an investment that will inevitably pay emotional and social dividends.

The purpose of childhood activities is to have fun, develop new skills and keep active. If your child is getting a rounded exposure to these sporting experiences, then that’s enough. They do not need to be ‘good’ at all of these activities, and they do not need to feel under pressure to perform well in all of these activities, and most importantly they need to have fun and enjoy their chosen sport without feeling overwhelmed or burned out.

So, use the learnings of the last year to readdress the pressure to overschedule our children’s lives and let’s try to work out, when it comes to extracurricular activities, how much is enough.