Richard Hogan: Guilt and shame are very Irish and very human emotions

In his day job, Richard Hogan meets many people who are carrying guilt and shame — here he explains why it's such a common human response

'Guilt and shame are present in nearly every conversation I have in my clinic,' says Richard Hogan. File picture: iStock

Guilt and shame, two evolutionary emotions that Irish people have a very familiar relationship with. Maybe even a love affair.

Working clinically, and being invited into people’s lives, is one of the great privileges in my life. You get a sense of what ordinary, decent people are struggling with every day.

Guilt and shame are present in nearly every conversation I have in my clinic.

Guilt for putting a parent into assisted living, guilt for working so many hours, guilt for something you said, guilt for letting a relationship end, guilt for an affair, hurt caused, something you did years ago, I could go on and on and on.

And then there is shame. The difference between the two; guilt is based in behaviour, while shame is based in identity.

For example, guilt sounds like this; ‘I can’t believe I said that’. Whereas shame sounds like; ‘I can’t believe I am like that’.

These are not random, pointless emotions, they are deeply wired social emotions designed to help us navigate our social groups more successfully.

Guilt is designed to protect us, so that we do not make the same mistake again. That was crucial thousands of years ago when belonging to our group was life or death. Guilt is basically a relationship repair system.

You do something that doesn’t align with your principles or values, and then you think about why you did that and hopefully you correct that behaviour because you don’t want to feel like that ever again.

Guilt’s job is done.

Shame, on the other hand, is more corrosive. It has its roots in our sense of identity. It can be a perceived intractable inner flaw that we desperately try to hide.

For example, we can feel shame for something we have zero control over. I was born with dyslexia, and for years I felt great shame about that.

I felt stupid because I couldn’t read as quickly as the other students. I tried to hide that fact by becoming difficult in school. I could handle being labelled wild or difficult, but could not handle being called stupid.

We can come up with all sorts of interventions for dealing with shame. Most of us try to bury it deep inside.

For years, I worked with teenagers who felt shameful about their sexuality. The sadness in the room as they talked about how they wanted to be ‘normal’. Thankfully, over the last number of years that has decreased.

Now, teenagers come to me with a sense of shame about their physical appearance and athletic prowess. Girls view themselves as ugly, or at the very least, not pretty.

The World Health Organization recently said that teenage girls are the most unhappy group we have in society.

Richard Hogan: 'We can feel shame for something we have zero control over. I was born with dyslexia, and for years I felt great shame about that.'

This constant desire to look like the unachievable beauty standards they see on TikTok or Instagram, is causing so much harm to their joy. They feel shame that their skin is not perfect or without blemish.

They feel shameful their hair is a particular colour. It really is difficult to listen to a beautiful child explain how they hate an aspect of their body or personality. The shame should be on us, for not protecting them from that.

When parents label their children, it can cause a sense of life-long shame. 

Boys often feel shameful because they are not academically bright like a sibling. The shame in the room as they delineate how they are not their parents’ favourite child, or that they don’t bring joy to the family because they don’t have any talent worthy of being praised.

The deep shame I hear from children who feel like that, is profound.

They might have never uttered that sentiment into the air before, and in my clinic they are expressing what they have always felt for the first time.

It can be a transformative moment for a teenager to have those feelings challenged. Introducing them to an alternative narrative about who they are and what they are capable of is some of the most important work I do.

Most of us developed self-limiting beliefs about ourselves in childhood. How teachers talked to you, helped write those paradigms.

Those beliefs can really dig into our identity and cause us to underperform in life. They become a self-fulfilling prophesy, and the roots of midlife disquiet and despair.

Often, we don’t go for the promotion or change job because we believe we are not worthy of thriving in our lives. So, we never push ourselves or attempt to reach our potential.

One of the best ways to work through your guilt and shame is to write them down.

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Make a list of what is really bothering you, and figure out what you had control over and what you didn’t.

Sometimes, making amends can really help to alleviate the psychological weight of guilt and shame.

We all get things wrong and we all do and say the wrong thing. So, you’re human; beautifully messy. Accept that, and let your shame go. Life will be far more enjoyable if you do.