Richard Hogan: Anger with modern life — and how we can respond
A young man is feeling depressed and thinking about the bad news he is reading online through his smartphone
Last week, I wrote about how we all lose our temper from time to time — and how that’s normal.
I explained the neuroscience behind anger and why we evolved to have this important emotion. Anger is just another feeling.
In fact, I’d much rather have the capacity to lose my temper than live like some blissful guru on the foothills of an ancient monument, never getting angry.
Because I know that kind of life won’t help me manage real-world pressures or respond to imminent threats.
Of course, if I’m constantly angry — prone to flying off the handle at the slightest provocation — that can negatively impact my physical and mental health.
Modern life, too, can be incredibly frustrating and anger-inducing.
We are constantly in flux, hyper-productive, and more sleep-deprived than any generation before us.
We scroll through phones when we should be resting. We don’t get enough sleep. We lack the strong social support systems that previous generations could rely on.
Life is too busy, and, as a result, many of us struggle to self-regulate.
We also have AI to contend with — not always knowing what’s real and what isn’t.
There are fewer humans to interact with in shops or over the phone, and that disconnection can create even more frustration.
In short: life is complicated.
But while we may not be able to change our environment, we can change how we respond to it. We have far more power over our anger than we often realise.
One of the first steps in managing your temper is identifying your personal triggers. These can be different for eveybody.
These might include being treated unfairly, not having your feelings validated, feeling powerless or intimidated — all very common causes of anger.
When we experience an episode of explosive anger, it’s important to sit down afterwards, when your cognition has cooled, and analyse what caused it.
For example, I once worked with a client who recalled an incident that happened in traffic.
One day, a car behind him beeped at him, and he got out and tried to open the door of the person who had dared to beep him.
My client’s own children were crying in the back seat of the car.
Deeply ashamed of his behaviour and worried about the effect on his children, he came to me for help in understanding what had happened and how to prevent it in future.
When I asked him what the beep had meant to him, he said it showed a lack of respect — that the other driver thought he was weak and wanted him out of the way.
I asked, “So you were trying to show that person you’re not weak?”
He agreed.
Then I asked, “When did you feel weak as a child? And how did you deal with it?”
In that moment, all the hurt he’d been carrying entered the room.
He spoke about an aggressive, bullying father, who had left him feeling powerless.
Figuring out what you’re really reacting to is a vital step in healing a short fuse. I always ask myself: ‘What is going on — and what is really going on?’
Not everyone who struggles with their temper had a traumatic childhood. Sometimes, it’s down to an unrealistic expectation that life should never frustrate or annoy them.
For whatever reason, they believe they should be immune to the ups and downs of daily life.
But reality has a funny way of grounding us. If you’re in a restaurant and becoming enraged by the sound of someone’s heavy breathing at the next table, you’re the only one suffering.
Taking control of not having control is, paradoxically, what gives you real control over your environment.
When we become angry, stress hormones are released that narrow our focus on the source of our irritation.
That's why it can feel like nothing else matters.
A close friend might say something upsetting, and, suddenly, all those years of friendship fade from view — all you can focus on is the slight.
One key coping strategy is to create distance from whatever’s aggravating you.
Break the loop by breaking your focus. Walk away. Go upstairs. Put the kettle on. These small actions help regulate your emotions.
Breathing is another powerful tool — try this the next time you feel you need a strategy to calm yourself dow,
Three deep breaths into your belly can help calm your nervous system.
Another thing I’ve found to get good results is journalling after an outburst, then reading those reflections later, when you’re calm.
This can give you insight and help you make better choices next time.
The good thing about this is that you’ll have a kind of emotional blueprint for what happens when you let anger take over.
The truth of it is, we all get angry. It’s part of being human.
But the next time it happens, listen to the message your anger is trying to send you — and ask what you’re really responding to.
Understanding that will help you move from reactivity to reflection, and make you less likely to be swept away by it the next time something gets under your skin.
