Suzanne Harrington: I hope Swifties forgive me, but I can't name a single one of Taylor's songs

The album’s release has been reported on the grown-up news. Even The Economist has been getting involved, asking bravely – some might say recklessly - if Taylor Swift “has peaked”

Taylor Swift performs as part of the "Eras Tour" at the Tokyo Dome, Wednesday, Feb. 7, 2024, in Tokyo. (AP Photo/Toru Hanai)

To distract us from vileness — Michael O’Leary touting Tory oligarchs for Rwanda flights, the relentless Gaza genocide perpetrated by a state everyone keeps arming — we have been presented with a new Taylor Swift album. 

A double one with loads of songs causing the gonads of her ex-boyfriends to retract in horror, petrified they’re about to be trashed in stadiums around the world, or dissed via a million Spotify streams. Maybe a billion. 

In terms of chart success, she’s outdone the Beatles. Go Taylor.

You may have heard about this new album. In fact, unless you’re in a medical coma or trapped down a mineshaft in the Andes, it’s highly unlikely you could have avoided hearing about it — the last mass event this all-encompassing was covid. 

The album’s release has been reported on the grown-up news, as though it were grown-up news. 

Even The Economist has been getting involved, asking bravely — some might say recklessly — if Taylor Swift “has peaked”, and suggesting that the singer is at the pinnacle of her commercial — but not creative — powers. 

You’d hope they have an armed guard on the door at Economist HQ. That whoever wrote that piece has a mirror on a selfie stick to check under their car before starting the ignition.

Before we continue, I should emphasise I am Taylor-neutral – I don’t want any death threats from vociferous Swifties. They’re very keen, her followers. Very loyal, very focused. On the zealous end of fanatical. 

And there are millions of them – the word 'Swiftie' was added to the Oxford English Dictionary last year.

So devoted are these Swifties that a recent review in Paste magazine of their heroine’s new album was published anonymously. 

The magazine withheld the reviewer’s name because it was not a gushingly positive review, and the last time that happened, when Paste negatively reviewed Swift’s 2019 album Lover, 'the writer was sent threats of violence from readers who disagreed with the work'. 

What this has achieved is that now everyone has heard of Paste magazine – well done, Swifties. 

There’s probably a fatwa in place on Courtney Love too, who with breathtaking foolhardiness, declared Swift 'not interesting as an artist'.

Only a curmudgeon could be mean about Taylor Swift’s public persona. 

She’s the Lisa Simpson of pop – engaged, aware, fan-focused. Shiny, healthy, clever, feminist, literate. 

She funds food banks and donates to GoFundMe. She turns up at birthday parties and weddings of her fans, visits them in hospital, and showers them with presents (Swifties call this “Swiftmas”). 

She has donated thousands of books to libraries, and financially supported sexual assault survivors, animal charities, communities hit by the climate crisis, and random struggling individuals who need cash. (I wonder if she’d support menopausal freelancers trapped in mortgage hell. Asking for a friend). 

Plus, she has the best red lipstick, and two private jets, because she is a billionaire. But a good one, in as much as any billionaire can be ‘good’.

However, as a non-Swiftie, could you name a single one of her songs?

Me neither.