Suzanne Harrington: If cute puns make you want to dry heave, you've just hit Peak Valentine

"People get their lover's faces screened onto a cartoon 99, and the instruction to "Lick Me Til Ice Cream"."

Suzanne Harrington. Pic: Andrew Hasson

When the suggestion to “give the gift of easy battery gardening this Valentine’s Day” pops up in my inbox, I am immediately suffused in an anxiety that the world is moving on without me, that the Millennials have invented another new sex thing about which I know nothing. 

I’m still reading up on polyamory and sologamy — WTF is easy battery gardening? Is it complicated? Does it involve depilation, or stimulation, or both? Are there intimidating devices? Sex robots? Will it hurt? Is it even legal?