Edel Coffey: What if your family doesn’t fit that picture-perfect Christmas image?

Picture: Bríd O'Donovan

One of the best Christmases I’ve ever had was the one I spent by myself. 

I don’t mean this in a grinchy way. I really enjoy Christmas but that particular year, I had had a rough few months.

A relationship break-up and lots of work stress added up to little appetite for celebration, so after a brief visit to my parents’ house for Christmas lunch, I went home to my flat, lit the fire, and turned on the TV. 

I sat by myself, not sad to be alone, but relieved, because that year, what I needed most was not to be around the merriment of others, the enforced fun and jollity of the season.

While many of us will be looking forward to Christmas this year, I’m sure just as many will be dreaming of just closing the door on it all. 

In my mind, Christmas has some of the best PR going, the kind of PR most politicians could only dream of having. 

It’s a feast that has a reputation for being ‘the most wonderful time of the year’, and yet in reality it can often be one of the most difficult and dreaded times of the year. 

Amidst the flashing lights and vibrant major chords of Christmas music, an undertone can be heard: that of the melancholy that comes with the acute highs and lows that Christmas can trigger. 

With its sentimental lens and pressure to be magical, Christmas can really magnify anything that may not fit in the mood, and this can range from the outdoor Christmas lights not working right up the scale to losing a loved one. 

Grief is right up there at the top of the list of what can make Christmas difficult. 

I know people who’ve lost parents in the last month. This will be their first Christmas without them.

There will always be the first Christmas to be gotten through without a loved one who has died and Christmas can be a sharp reminder of our loss; the empty seat at the table.

For most of the year we can escape these feelings or find distraction from them. At Christmas, there is no escape. 

Right up until Christmas day, each and every shop is filled with nostalgic music, music that is loaded with year upon year of memories, every song a new trigger for a million different moments from the showreel of your life, so much so it can feel overwhelming or you can catch yourself welling up in the queue to buy a pair of tights.

If you’re lonely, the crowded streets at Christmastime can be an intense reminder of what you are missing out on. 

As friends and families reunite, embracing each other, couples window shop for engagement rings, or celebrate good news — the arrival of a baby, the announcement of a pregnancy — all can serve as acutely heightened reminders of what we might be longing for or mourning in our own lives.

But it’s not just grief that can make Christmas difficult. 

Perfect families is the sub-title of the Christmas PR campaign, but what if your family doesn’t fit that picture-perfect image? 

What if your family looks a bit different to the one that is constantly sold to us by movies and advertising campaigns? 

What if your family has been touched by acrimony or estrangement, separation, or fallings-out? 

All of this focus on one big day of familial harmony can be such a painful reminder of the divisions and fissures that exist in lots of families. 

And that’s not to mention what happens around Christmas for those families struggling with addiction, domestic violence and other issues that can make Christmas feel like a burden, something that brings extra stress and anxiety to an already loaded situation. 

For anyone who has not seen it, the ‘Fishes’ episode of the TV show The Bear is one of the best depictions of the pressure cooker that is Christmas day for many families. (Clue: it culminates with the mother driving her car through the front of the house.)

Sometimes it’s just the sheer weight of expectation to celebrate Christmas and to be merry, that makes it such a difficult day for so many. 

If you are not in the mood to celebrate, cut yourself some slack. Our lives are not meant to be advertisements for Christmas and we don’t have to make our celebration fit in with the capitalist interpretation of the day. 

For me, Christmas is about finding some peace. So if you are dreading Christmas, for whatever reason, perhaps the best gift you can give yourself is a guilt-free day of your own making. 

Celebrate it however you choose, whether that’s volunteering at a food shelter instead of having a stressful family lunch, or allowing yourself to be sad when those around you are making merry, so be it. 

Christmas can be so difficult for so many reasons so why not make it what we need it to be, not what people say it should be? 

And if you need to opt out and have the luxury of doing so, as I did on my solo Christmas, I can highly recommend it.