Suzanne Harrington: When will we be able to change the topic from the queen?

Good morning on this unexpected bank holiday. Oh, you’re not having one in Ireland? Never mind. Over here in England, the situation is vaguely comparable to an Irish Good Friday in the days when we were still a theocracy — everything is shut and people are meant to look glum.

This mass closure included the resort chain Centre Parcs — “We hope our guests will understand our decision to support our Queen on her final journey” — so if you were mid-holiday there, you’d have had to leave by 10 this morning. They backtracked, accused of ruining people’s holidays. Bicycle parking racks in Norwich have also been closed out of respect.

The BBC — rebranded Mourn Hub — has been directing the proceedings. The official line is that everyone is devastated, and anyone who is not visibly devastated will be cancelled.

Devotion to Her Late Majesty is now being calculated by how long you spent shuffling along the Thames; at the time of writing, David Beckham was in the lead.

The Queue will soon be made into a Richard Curtis romcom about a sad attractive lonely man who meets a sad attractive lonely woman after standing next to each other for 15 hours. They strike up an awkward conversation about marmalade sandwiches and how they can see the shape of the Queen’s head in the clouds, before falling in love and having a posh bohemian wedding in an affluent part of London where there are no black people and nobody worries about gas bills.

Back in the actual Queue a few individuals have been committing that most reviled of English crimes: Queue-jumping with a capital Q. Spokespeople from ITV had to intervene to defend Philip Schofield and Holly Willoughby from these horrific allegations, lest they be taken to the Tower and locked up alongside Harry and Meghan.

Meanwhile, Andrew is back in full military uniform, as if nothing ever happened; he appears not to be sweating it.

Unlike the Metropolitan Police. Today, the biggest police headache in living memory, the sheer solemnity of proceedings will amplify the tiniest kerfuffle. Foreign heads of state are reportedly not happy about being asked to share a bus to get them to Westminster for the funeral service.

Questions abound — will Saudi’s Mohammed bin Salman Al Saud be there? Journalists are nervous. Will the Sex Pistols rerelease God Save The Queen? John Lydon, now a monarchist, is furious.

As for the family itself, from a purely humane perspective, doing your mourning in close-up when your mum’s just died must be tricky. It’s also tricky to say “King Charles” without the word “spaniel” popping into your head. Will he keel over from exhaustion?

How did he disinvite Harry and Meghan from a formal thing at Buckingham Palace on the grounds that they are not “working royals”, yet not disinvite Andrew, given his ties to Jeffrey Epstein? It’s a mystery. And how soon before we can talk about something else?