Richard Hogan: My child is in an abusive relationship. What can I do?

It's a predicament that renders parents powerless and hopeless 

One of the main tools used by a perpetrator of coercive control is psychological abuse. 

Last week I wrote about the terrible impact coercive control has on a person’s life. I explained that it is designed to obliterate the self and confuse the victim so that they become disoriented and become dependent on the perpetrator. It is a particularly heinous crime, where the victim loses all sense of what is good and wholesome in their life. Family and friends become a battleground as the perpetrator rewards the loyalty of the victim in rejecting their loved ones while subjecting them to terrible emotional pressure and even violence or threats of violence if they do not align with the narrative that family and friends are not good for them. I have worked with this dynamic in all its ugly forms for many years, and I have seen first-hand the devastating impact it has on everyone who loves the victim.

I was particularly struck by how many people contacted me last week to tell me about their experiences. It was mostly parents reaching out to me, delineating the darkness that had come into their life ever since their daughter started dating her abuser. Most letters said that they felt their daughter had been lost to them like they were grieving her death. It was very difficult to read so many letters all outlining similar stories. Stories of once-beautiful connected families, torn apart by the destructive influence of an outsider. They all spoke about feeling powerless and unable to support the child they brought into the world. That is one of the most disturbing aspects of this crime, parents are made feel utterly powerless and hopeless as they watch their beautiful child’s personality disappear in front of their eyes.