Colm O'Regan: Once you know a small child, it changes the way you watch television

Thanks for ruining telly for me, kids

They ruin telly for you: children. Not because they keep coming in interrupting and asking questions about every single thing they see. “Why is Walter White the hero yet he seems profoundly unpleasant? I’m struggling to find any sympathetic characters in this Daddy. Maybe Hank at a push,” says the four-year-old. I’m joking. I don’t let her watch Breaking Bad. It’s just that I’m a few seasons ahead.

It's not that. There are a number of other reasons. The first is the hardest. Once you know a small child – be they your own or a close nibling or small cousin, you cannot watch a child being badly treated in anything without being really upset by it. You immediately start to project the situation onto your own little snookums and it’s unbearable. “AAAGH THE POOR CHILD, LEAVE HER ALONE!” It doesn’t matter that it’s fictional. It doesn’t even have to be a human. It could be a Young Anything. A dalmatian pup. A small dinosaur.

There are other reasons why I have seen too much to believe anything anymore. The use of almost-toddlers to play newborns. 

“Congratulations it’s a boy,” says the nurse after an Immaculate Birth. And she presents a two-stone monster to the barely sweating mother. They might as well use Baby Yoda.

I can’t buy the frictionless way children are deposited with someone while the hero-parent goes off and Does The Thing They Gotta Do. Dexter spent about four years seasons just dumping his child with whichever adult was nearby. There wasn’t a peep out of the child. There weren’t any tantrums at all. At no point did Dexter say, “Okay I guess I’d better call and say I won’t be dismembering the villain in my Kill Room.”

If the character is an older child, I have zero sympathy for their frankly reckless behaviour. Why don’t they tell their parents what’s going on? Regardless of how outlandish it is. Parents always believe their children these days. Just ask any teacher. So c'mon plucky fictional group of pesky kids, tell your parents about the monster! Your parents have a car and money and networks. They can help.

"Excuse me while you live under this roof, you will do as I say,” says a stuffy conservative, risk-averse parent. I’m with them all the way. You tell them, Cody’s Mom! She will understand. At the very least they have been teenagers themselves and could have some advice.

Also at the end, there is a tearful reckoning or reunion where the parent has to say, “I know sweetheart, we made mistakes too.” Again I’m shouting “Don’t back down. YOU did everything right hun. If you give them an inch they’ll take a mile the next time."

I’m just too bloody sensible to believe telly anymore. Don’t get me wrong, I believe the big stuff like Zombies and Warp Speed. It’s the other bits. If a character, even an adult says: “This is something I need to do alone.” No, it’s not. That doesn’t make any sense. How is it better to do something alone? I get that you need to protect the person but they're going to have to bail you out anyway when you get into trouble. Or you tell them to wait in the car, which they won’t. But in that scenario, they are coming to help you without any precise details of what the plan is. Whereas if you even just WhatsApped them a small voice note they’d be ready. They might bring snacks, a screwdriver, a phone charger. But no you had to go and be the big hero. I'm not sure I buy it.

But the real world right now? Unfortunately, even less believable...