Suzanne Harrington: Old people having lots of sex? I can't take the pressure

Suzanne Harrington is not impressed with older people offering secrets of a happy marriage

Picture: Andrew Hasson

A survey of 2,000 married couples commissioned by an adults-only UK hotel chain has been offering secrets of a happy marriage. Unsurprisingly, holidays in adults-only hotels figure highly. More surprising is the specific numerosity of the findings: six meaningful conversations a month; saying "I love you" 20 times a fortnight; three long walks a month (presumably together); and two major rows. Two major rows? Every month?

Don’t look at me - I’m happily unmarried. I’m just reporting what the internet said. But if I were having two major rows a month with anyone, from my chap to my internet provider, I’d be taking a long hard look at the situation, and wondering if actually, I wouldn’t be happier living alone in a small cabin off-grid with some goats.

But the most startling of these – ahem – ‘findings’ is not the one about major rows equalling happiness, but how the happiest couples are those doing it five times a week. With each other. FIVE TIMES A WEEK? 

Who are these people? Lust-crazed teenagers? Star employees in the adult entertainment industry? Are they Pam and Tommy making a comeback sex tape?

Actually no. The hotel chain – I checked on Tripadvisor– is not a cover for swinging, adult film making, or anything else requiring that level of effort five times a week. No. The hotel guest demographic is “predominantly over fifty but young at heart.” Dear god. A kind of Butlins for seniors.

So here are 2,000 married couples linked to a hotel chain whose publicity imagery is awash with grey hair and comfortable slacks, who are happy because they are having sex five times a week. With each other. Is this what we need to be hearing about, today of all days?

I don’t know about you but I feel quite deflated after reading this. Like when you’ve left your gym membership lapse and can’t be bothered to renew it because you only ever went there for the coffee afterwards, yet feel you should really give it another go. I send the survey to my chap, even though we are in the same room, just so I can see the colour drain from his face as he opens the link.

“That can’t be right,” he whispers. “They’re even older than us.”

The rest of the list of components for a happy marriage seems fairly reasonable: bringing each other cups of tea, telling the other person they look great even when they look like a wreck, laughing about the two major rows a month – ha ha ha – and not solo-bingeing the next five episodes of a boxset you’re meant to be watching together. (Grounds for divorce, that last one). Making an effort with their weird yet dull friends.

But all I can think about is five times a week, slipped in between sharing dessert in restaurants and having diverse hobbies and interests. Five times a week? My love and I delete the survey and resolve to never speak of it again.