Alison Curtis: Why we should stop telling our daughters they are beautiful
Alison Curtis: Instead of just saying "nice top" I want to focus more on the wonderful attributes each person in my life has
Recently I watched a short video on Instagram whereby Canadian poet Rupi Kaur apologised to all the women in her life who she had complimented on their physical appearance before remarking on something positive about their personality or achievements.
She said “I want to apologize to all the women I have called beautiful before I've called them intelligent or brave. I am sorry I made it sound as though something as simple as what you’re born with is all you have to be proud of when you have broken mountains with your wit. From now on I will say things like you are resilient, or you are extraordinary not because I don’t think you’re beautiful but because I need you to know you are more than that.”
It has caused a significant shift in me after seeing it and I have started to assess more closely what I say to my daughter Joan and why I say it.
Throughout her whole life, I have always said, “Who is the cutest/prettiest girl in the world?" to her. I obviously heaped several other praises upon her throughout the years about her behaviour, her art, her work and in general how proud I am of who she is.
But maybe I need to shift the balance in referring to her appearance to thinking more clearly about the kinds of comments I want to make in order to support her confidence and development.
I don’t mean ditch the “you look adorable” compliments, just increase the positives around her abilities and how she approaches things.
I am sure a few people reading this might think I am going overboard or overthinking it. But I don’t think so.
Rupi makes an important point as society has so often placed such huge importance on women and girls appearances over anything else about them. And that as a woman she was guilty of this too, but she has spotted it and changed her behaviour.
With each generation this hopefully lessens and we as a whole have acknowledged how crucial it is to speak to our daughters from day one about how smart, how capable, or strong they are. However, I think Rupi’s speech reset that button for me.
I need to apply this not only to Joan but to my wider circle of friends and colleagues.
I am sincere in my compliments when I say them but instead of just saying "nice top" I want to focus more on the wonderful attributes each person in my life has.
After watching Rupi that day I ran into a friend and I actively stopped myself from just saying, “I love your jacket.” And as the conversation rolled on I made a point of saying how wonderfully patient she is with her own children and how we can all learn more of that from her. I meant it and I am sure it had a greater impact on her than a passing comment about her jacket.
Back to Joan; in the past few weeks I have made a much greater effort in not missing those moments when I can compliment her work, how she has cleaned up her room, how she spoke to someone and more.
On top of this, I am trying to move away from comparative compliments or comments like “You are so good at math, I am terrible at it.” To simply, “You are brilliant at math.”
It isn’t something that I will always be on top of, but it is something I have become much more aware of. I want to acknowledge and appreciate all the incredible traits Joan has as she is growing up and for her to know that these are so important and are things to admire in her - along with how damn cute she is.
