Louise O'Neill: 'I suppose that’s the thing about change, there is always a loss in it'
Picture: Miki Barlok
This week, I spoke at the Network Ireland West Cork Business of the Year Awards. I was invited to give the keynote speech for the online awards, talking about the topic of Embracing Change and the following day, I drove to Bantry House for a small, outdoor gathering (all social distancing rules were observed) where the winners were presented with their trophies.
I was blown away the energy there, the camaraderie, the sense of cooperation rather than competition amongst the women. Their enthusiasm for their businesses was palpable, as was their incredible work ethic, and I was impressed by the ways in which they’ve had to diversify and adapt over the last year. The trope of the ‘Old Boy’s Club’ is a real one, where men have used social or familial connections to help advance their careers, and groups like Network Ireland, a “progressive, dynamic organisation supporting the professional and personal development of women”, go a long way to helping women form their own connections.
If you’re a business woman (or aspiring to become one!), I would highly recommend checking out your local Network Ireland branch for support. Given that recent statistics show the pandemic has disproportionately harmed women’s careers, forcing many women to leave the work place, organisations like Network Ireland are more vital than ever.
That being said, I was a little nervous about giving the keynote speech because I don’t necessarily consider myself a business woman – I’m pretty sure my long-suffering accountant would agree with that – but when I heard the title of the conference, Embracing Change, I couldn’t resist the opportunity to take part. June is a month where I often think about how I’ve had to navigate change in my personal life because the 18th is my ‘anniversary’.
On the 18th, I celebrated a milestone – I have been in active recovery from an eating disorder for four years. I was sitting in my writing room, doing my morning meditation, when the stack of old journals lined up neatly on my bookshelves caught my eye.
I grabbed one at random and began to scan through the pages. I was immediately struck by the pain there, the anger and frustration. The promises to myself that this day would be different.
I wouldn’t restrict my food, I wouldn’t vomit after meals, I would eat sensibly. Today was the first day of my new life, I would write. Then the next morning, I the overwhelming guilt pouring onto the pages as I admitted my failures from the day before. I had been weak, I would write, I had given in to my compulsions. I didn’t understand why I couldn’t seem to beat this. I wrote about how much I wanted to change, how desperately I needed to do so. I was so tired of being so sick.
But when I was re-reading the diary, nine years later, I was struck by something I hadn’t noticed before, a pattern emerging. I’d write in my diary about how I wanted to recover from anorexia and bulimia but then on the next page, I would talk about how I wanted to lose weight. I didn’t seem to see the contradiction between these two things – how could I expect to recover if I was still obsessing about a number on the scales? – but now it is so obvious to me.
I was saying that I wanted change but in the next breath, I was saying that I wanted things to stay the same. It was a push and a pull, two opposite forces working against one another, and I was in the middle, stuck.
Unable to move.
And I suppose that’s the thing about change, there is always a loss in it. Even if something is causing us distress – an addiction, a toxic relationship, a dysfunctional work environment – to let that go can still be difficult. My eating disorder was destroying my life, my relationships, it was impacting my career, and yet, it had been my faithful companion for seventeen years. At 32, I’d had an eating disorder for longer than I had not. Who would I be without it, I wondered?
There was a grieving process involved in the letting go of it, a grieving process in embracing change, and I think that’s important for people to be aware of. That change, even when it’s positive and exciting, can still feel destabilising, and even scary. We can want change and be afraid of it at the same time, and until we understand that dichotomy and acknowledge our own push-pull tendencies, we will never be able to move forward.
But the most important thing to remember is that a moment will come where we will have to give in to the change that is coming. It is easier to let it have its way with us, rather than fight it. Louise L Hay said, “If we refuse to change, life passes us by. Just as a flexible body is comfortable to be in, a flexible mind is comfortable to live in.” So, we try to be like the willow tree, bending in the most ferocious of winds, but it does not break. And if this year has taught us anything, neither will we.
Sophie: A Murder in West Cork on Netflix. To my mind, this is the better of the two documentaries on the Sophie Toscan Du Plantier murder which have been released this month, because it centres Sophie’s story above all else.
