Alison Curtis: Talking the talk is good for children

Pic: Marc O'Sullivan

Recently my 9-year-old daughter Joan and I have been doing a lot of talking about talking. We have spoken a lot about using our voices and being heard.

It actually all started with an Instagram post I saw on The Female Lead account which quoted a woman named Penny Middleton. It read, “We should teach our girls this phrase: What do you mean by that? It's a subtle way to hold people accountable and a way to teach our girls that sitting in discomfort is not a gender prerequisite.”

It really stuck with me and I took a day to digest it before I spoke to Joan about it. Also it got me thinking about the ways in which when I was growing up I was taught to present myself and to speak.

My father, in particular, I feel was very progressive. He had an incredibly strong woman as a role model in his mother. Despite being born in 1903 she went to University and went on to have a career (which involved a lot of public speaking) as well as a family which was far from the norm then.

He was very supportive and fair, the language was not about us being girls or of what we should and shouldn’t do. We had as many cars and trucks growing up to play with as we did dolls.

Mom, however, was more traditional in many ways. I do remember her language around being a woman being very specific. As in she wanted to appear a certain way and she wanted her home a certain way. She was very feminine, and did believe her role was within the home and she took great pride in this role.

That being said my parents had a very equal relationship within those traditional roles and my mother was far from a shrinking violet, she spoke her mind.

But, undeniably, things have evolved quite a bit since I was a child, and, as parents, many of us are now discussing with our children how to use their voices and support those traditionally in the minority to be heard as well. As well as teaching tools to challenge hurtful or offensive comments from others.

So on to Joan, the first thing I actually showed her was a short clip of Kamala Harris during her Vice Presidential debate with Mike Pence. She used the tool of saying in a very calm voice “I’m speaking” repeatedly when she was continually interrupted by him.

It was powerful, it made a statement and it was effective. I told Joan to try it when she feels she is being interrupted in a group or with us at home. I did my best, however, to explain that in free-flowing conversations people will talk over each other and that being interrupted was a repeated behaviour that usually happens with someone feels what they are saying is more important.

Equally, Joan and I have talked a lot about supporting others in conversation, I call it “sharing the air”, and creating a space for everyone to have an equal chance to feel part of the exchange.

Then I showed her Penny’s quote and explained that sometimes she will hear things from others that she doesn’t feel is right. She liked the idea of asking that question as I explained it would put the responsibility on the other person to explain themselves and possibly make them realise that what they were saying is hurtful or wrong.

Communicating is obviously a very complex issue and learning to do it well usually takes most of us into our adult years. It will be an ongoing learning process but for the moment I want to support Joan to be confident to speak up and to believe not only in what she is saying but that she has a right to say it.