Learner Dad: this 'zero parenting' is harder than it looks
I read an article about Gentle Parenting by Darragh Geraghty in the Irish Times during the week. Headlined ‘Why are there so many angry Dads?’, it says we shouldn’t shout at our kids or punish them by taking away their favourite toy when they step out of line. As much as I enjoyed the piece, it turned me into an angry Dad. Shouting at my kids when I’m angry or tired is better than any of the alternatives; taking away their t oy s is all I got on the discipline front. It got me thinking about my friend who was a lecturer in a liberal arts college in up-state New York when Donald Trump was elected President in 2016. A lot of the students were off-the-scale devastated by the result, and as my friend said, it was the first time in their cosseted lives that they didn’t get their own way. I don’t want my kids to grow up like this — ill-equipped for any setbacks in life . I wouldn’t mind if they go to college in up-state New York though, as long as someone else is paying.
We went for a cycle down the Marina in Cork after dinner last night. It was amazing — the sun shone and the rowing teams were out on the shiny river at full tide. I’ll miss this summer when it’s gone.
Anyway, we stopped at Blackrock Village and sat on the wall, where the river was lapping up against the side. Two girls, aged around three or four, were playing nearby, dipping their wellies in the water. I was so terrified they’d fall in that I stopped being Anxious Dad about my own two for a while. Their own Dad never once looked up from his book — something you might call Zero Parenting. This isn’t because he’s a deadbeat though, I reckon it was deliberate. He is a cooler Dad than me, with an even tan and pony-tail that I could never pull off. He is also that rare parent who doesn’t worry about bad things happening to his children. Or else he’s happy to let other people look out for his kids while he gets to the end of the chapter.
I decide to try a bit of Zero Parenting myself. My kids are running back and forth along the wall at this stage. Normally I’d give them a ‘careful now’ every time they passed, like Dougal in Fr Ted, but this time I bit my lip. They didn’t fall into the water. That said, I had a terrible 10 minutes and couldn’t wait to leave. But that’s my problem, not theirs , just as the ‘careful now’ is basically me saying a prayer because we all know the kids aren’t listening. So I’m going to try a bit more Zero Parenting and see how I get on. Give me a wave of encouragement if you see me out and about. And maybe keep an eye on my kids while you’re at it. You can’t be too careful.
My wife has gone mad for hugging our six-year-old son, because she has a few nephews and apparently boys grow out of the hugs around seven, so she’s stocking up on them while she can. I’ll probably stock up on a few myself, just in case. I remember being a hugger at his age until my self-conscious puberty years kicked in and I became a touch-me-not. Honestly though, I think times have changed. My daughter is going to hug people all her life, she’s that kind of person. But I’ve also noticed my son getting more tactile with me, not less. I hope this continues. I eventually got back to hugging my Dad when he was older, and I remember the warmth of it, as if we were making up for lost time. I don’t want to lose 20 years of hugs with my own son — life is too short for that kind of messing.
